Show Notes

Everyone Has an Innate Need to Belong

This is especially true in the teen years when kids tend to want to belong and fit it somewhere. It’s a healthy part of their development, this drive to figure out who they are, and who they are not, and where their place is in this world.

If you stop and think about it, many of the stories we love are about characters figuring out where they belong. Here are some quick examples:

• Luke Skywalker belongs with the Jedis.
• Harry Potter belongs in Gryffindor.
• Bella Swan belongs with the vampires.
• Percy Jackson belongs with the demigods.

Teens Who Belong – and Those Who Don’t

While I don’t want to use scare tactics to emphasize the importance of creating a place for teens to belong – whether in your family or your classroom – there are some startling outcomes when teens don’t feel like they belong in those places. Consider the words of Mark Gregston, founder of Heartlight Ministries:

“Belonging can’t be bought, it can’t be forced, but it can be taught, nurtured and modeled.  Why should a parent nurture their teen’s sense of belonging in their own family? . . . if your child isn’t feeling a sense of belonging at home, they will seek it somewhere else, regardless of the cost.”

And while this may spike a bit of fear in me, I know that the positive outcomes of belonging and connection are just as significant. Take in this quote, from Middle Earth of Somerset County, NJ:

“Children with a strong sense of belonging within their family see themselves as valuable and have self-respect and carry themselves with dignity and integrity.”

It was with these ideas in mind that I reflected on what it looks like for a teen to belong, and the different ways I can be intentional and deliberate about creating a “home base” for them. This is what I came up with.

5 Ways to Help Teens Feel Like They Belong

• Show up for each other
  • Attend events, performances, competitions
  • Invest time in knowing about their extracurricular interests, the things they love that hold importance to them
• Demonstrate loyalty – have each other’s back
  • Stand up for each other
  • Assume the best in any given circumstance
• Remind each other of who we are
  • Don’t allow anyone to say anything derogatory about them – including  themselves
  • If they do speak harshly about themselves, prompt teens say 10 positive things/things they like about themselves
• Respect each other
  • Speak highly of your teens to others
  • Actively listen
  • Allow for changes – sometimes the hardest thing about belonging is feeling free to change and grow
• Keep traditions
  • “Inside joke” kinds of things
  • Adopt a name/identity – for my family, we use “Kelly Kids”
  • Use small, daily moments to reinforce your teens’ value and place in your family or classroom – example: during school drop-off, I speak a blessing over my teens
• Hold clear values and beliefs
  • Ensure that everyone knows what the values are and what the outcome is for violating them
  • Talk about them ALL THE TIME – example: “Kelly’s love each other,” and “Kelly’s tell the truth, even when it’s hard.”
  • Explain why those values are important to you – example: when we encourage our teens to “Love each other, ”  we explain that “your sibs are all you’ll have once we’re gone – the ones who will have a connection with you forever and ever”

We Belong Together

This isn’t a list to inspire fear or feelings of failure. It’s an invitation to reflect on what kind of place of belonging you’re creating for the teens in your life.

I trust that you know that just because you don’t check all the boxes doesn’t mean your teen is going to rebel, become promiscuous, start doing drugs, or join a gang! Have grace with yourself, and make sure you’re not beating up on yourself.

Use these suggestions to take baby steps, and choose one to focus on over the next week or month. Parenting isn’t about using a firehose to fill the 2-liter bottles that represent our teens. It’s about filling that bottle drip by drip by drip.

Small, day by day actions, done with great love. That’s what we’re aiming for.

And if you, like your teens, are looking to belong somewhere, I’d love to be your place! Check out the resources below to hang with me on social media and other podcasts.