Show Notes

Developmentally Appropriate

• Many times, our teen’s behavior does not have the intentionality we give it.
• Seeing our teen’s behavior as developmentally appropriate can help us reframe it.
• But, defining a behavior as developmentally appropriate doesn’t excuse inappropriate or unhealthy behavior.
• When I know it’s developmentally appropriate for teens to go through certain stages as they’re changing from kids into adults, I can respond to their misbehavior rather than react to it.
• As a result, understanding what is developmentally appropriate frees parents and teens from condemnation and shame.

This is not who your teen is – it’s how they are becoming an adult

• As parents, we’re still going to focus on setting boundaries and behaviors and keep them moving toward what is healthy – they don’t get a free license to do anything they want just because they’re going through this stage.
• Recognizing what is developmentally appropriate in your teen is meant to be an internal dialog to help you reframe your teen’s behavior in a non-shaming, process-focused way. It is NOT something you tell your teen, because that can be condescending or belittling.
• Teens hate being told why they do what they do, or that they don’t “get it” because they’re teenaged. That will shut down any kind of connection with them.
• There’s no prescribed timeframe for how teens move from being a kid into being an adult. There are a couple of tasks they need to do to become a whole individual person who chooses how they’re going to live their lives. And the process is messy.

“Good enough parenting”

• There is no perfect parent. If we can consistently fall into the big, wide, gray area of “good enough,” we’re parenting well.
• Your measure of success as a parent is not your teen’s immediate response – it’s being able to say yes to the question “did you create the space for them to grow toward something healthier?”
• You cannot give space when you are condemning, shutting down, or invalidating.

Examples

• Developmentally appropriate tasks teens need to go through (it doesn’t mean they are manifested in “good” ways, but they need to experience these to emerge into adulthood):
  • be emotionally reactive and impulsive
  • be self-centered and overly self-conscious
  • value their peers’ opinions over their parents’ advice