Show Notes

Biggest Takeaways

• There’s no prescribed timeframe for how teens move from being a kid into being an adult. There are a couple of tasks they need to do to become a whole individual person who chooses how they’re going to live their lives. And the process – being developmentally appropriate – is messy.

Example

• An example of a developmentally appropriate tasks teens need to go through is questioning the morals and beliefs they were raised with.
  • This questioning can be demonstrated in their choices, not just in intellectual discussions
  • It’s also developmentally appropriate for them to not think of long-term implications as they make this kind of choice
• What they’re questioning is: “Do you really know what you’re talking about or are you trying to “fear” me into your decisions?

Know Yourself

• Knowing your own beliefs is important as you walk with your teens to help them discover their own beliefs
  • This means you must do your own internal work to figure out what you believe – do you believe what you believe because of fear or do you have a solid reason?
  • You can’t give your teens what you don’t have yourself
• It’s okay to say, “I don’t know, let’s explore this.”
• There’s no guarantee that your teens will eventually come back to what you believe and have taught them. But regardless, it’s healthy for your teens to become adults who adopt their own belief systems and don’t automatically accept someone else’s. And that’s scary for parents.
• It’s messy before they land somewhere, but it’s good to go through the process of deciding – it’s the only way to become a full human as an adult

Responding

• Validation is a tool you can use to navigate the conversation
  • It’s not agreement
  • It’s accepting your teen in their messiest, most ridiculous, most harmful state
• You want to avoid invalidation
  • It can be our knee-jerk reaction, and comes out of us so easily
  • It’s not helpful in helping your teens work through the emotional impact of whatever is going on
• Correcting might happen in the same conversation as your teen’s developmentally appropriate behavior, but will probably happen later – when emotions are settled down
  • Using open-ended questions for correcting is the most likely way your teen will be able to hear and receive correction
• Teens still need boundaries – they need you to say “It’s not okay to . . . “Validate their desire, but reinforce the boundaries
  • Teens need to know why their boundaries make sense, so it’s helpful to know how your boundaries are based on what’s good, loving, and healthy
  • Fear-based boundaries either produce anxious adults who make fear-based decision or adults who disregard any boundaries you tried to instill
• Be kind to yourself – this is a long process!
• This isn’t about where I want my teens to go or who I want them to be – it’s about helping them emerge into themselves.