Show Notes

WHEN OUR TEENS ARE FEELING ALL THEIR FEELINGS

One of the things we can do to help our middle schoolers with emotions is to give them language around it. There is power in naming things, and when we model identifying our feelings, it can help us (and our teens) move through them. It’s even more powerful when you can name what you’re feeling in your body. For instance, sometimes it’s difficult to even give a name to what you’re feeling – but you can describe what your body is feeling.

WHAT ARE FEELINGS, ANYWAY?

Erica Wright talks about emotions as vibrations flowing through our bodies; some of them feel good, some of them don’t. We can start to observe ourselves experiencing specific emotions, and we can help our teens when they’re in a tangled web of feelings, too. Asking, “Okay, what’s going on in our bodies right now” gives us the opportunity to talk about emotions in terms like:

• Do I have a heavy heart?
• Does it feel like there’s a pit in my stomach?
• Does it feel like my throat is all tensed up?
• Do I feel tingling at the back of my head?

PRACTICE BEING PRESENT IN YOUR BODY

This is practicing presence in your body. When we get comfortable describing what is actually going on physically, it helps us process the emotions we’re feeling. When we can do that, it teaches us (and our teens) that no emotion is scary or unsafe.

We’re just boiling it down to the physical sensations we have. For instance, the feeling of anxiety is, for you, a tightness in your chest, or the feel of something going up your back.

Interestingly, sometimes we experience completely different emotions in the same way in our bodies. When we name the body sensations of fear, they’re very similar to excitement. Sweatiness in the palms, heart pumping, adrenaline in your gut – they’re similar sensations. It’s the thoughts that we’re having that actually separate fear from excitement.

WE DON’T WANT TO GET STUCK

Teaching our teens how to walk through their emotions and be with them and acknowledge them even honor them is a tremendous gift. Because when we don’t let ourselves move through those emotions, we stay stuck in them. Our emotions get stored in the body unless we process and release them. They show up as aches and pains or breakouts or disease anxiety, depression.

When we experience big emotions, it’s helpful to practice taking a deep, deep breath to slow down our responses, and to come back into the presence of our bodies. We want to be with that big emotion before we say the next thing. Our goal is to maximize the moment between the stimulus and the response. 

It might feel impossible to do in the moment. But practicing, in that moment of conflict or stress, taking a breath and cataloging out loud what your body is feeling is powerful for our teens. Start at the top of your head and move down your body, describing what you feel. “My shoulders are feeling tight. My heart is pounding. My fists are clenched. My stomach is twisted in a knot.”

Even when our teens respond in a developmentally appropriate manner, we want to continue modeling this for them, continue practicing it with them. They may roll their eyes and push back as they watch you process your emotions but keep doing it anyway.

ENCOURAGING OUR TEENS TO FEEL ALL THEIR FEELINGS

We want our teens to know that they are free (and encouraged) to experience their emotions as well. Sometimes as parents, we want to protect them from bad feelings, or even (at the opposite end of the spectrum) shut them down because their emotions make us feel uncomfortable. Either response is unhealthy. Showing that it’s okay for them to feel unpleasant emotions is actually a good thing.

We want our kids to experience pain and struggles, otherwise, they’re going to have a lot harder time adulting. Reassuring them that we’re there with them as a resource and co-regulating with them is key.

When we have the tools to be with and process the not-so-great-emotions, we have emotional intelligence and emotional maturity. Having those, being able to tune in name, observe, and feel, that’s the name of the game. Because if you can be with any emotion, nothing can stop you. You can totally normalize your emotions and move through them.

6 STEPS TO HELP OUR TEENS

When our teens experience big emotions (which they often do, because that is super developmentally appropriate,) we can help them regulate by managing ourselves first. Here’s what that looks like:

1. Avoid taking on their energy or absorbing their emotions
2. Take a deep breath (or several)
3. Come back into our bodies
4. Catalogue what our bodies are feeling (start at the top of the head and make your way down, out loud)
5. Persevere with breathing and cataloging until we’re calm, cool, and collected -this includes excusing ourselves for a time out if necessary
6. Validate our teen’s emotions

It all starts here with us. First, before we look at our teens, we have to look at ourselves. When our teens or our partners do not have all this information yet, practicing this strategy can feel overwhelming and isolating. BUT. Persevering in it is such a beautiful gift and blessing to our families – without it, we’re just stuck in the chaos of life.