Show Notes

FEELING THE FEELS

When Erica Wright said, “I’m feeling all the feels,” I immediately knew we were kindred spirits. It’s something I say a lot, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone else use that particular phrase. Knowing that we use the same language around managing our emotions created an instant connection.

Our conversation during this episode focused on that – more specifically, letting ourselves feel all our feels. What that looks like, and why it’s important.

WE’RE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN FEELS

The No-Shame Zone

First of all, this is a no-shame zone. So, if you recognize yourself in anything shared here, please know that it’s not your fault. We model what we’ve seen and heard; if we don’t have the tools, how can we do anything differently?

Now that we’re stepping into the space together, we can start to take responsibility for the things that we’re learning. As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.”

Don’t worry if you’ve said this, but now you know, and it’s a growth point.

If we’ve ever been frustrated by a child’s behavior and respond with, “You’re making me sad,” we need to STOP. Our new frame of reference? Our kids don’t make us feel anything. We’re responsible for our own emotions.

WHERE EMOTIONS ORIGINATE

Where do our emotions come from, whether we’re feeling happy or sad or whatever? It’s easy to point a finger and blame an external circumstance or a person, but when we really start to examine where our emotions and feelings come from, they come from our thoughts. They come from our belief systems.

Looking Inward

There’s some debate over which comes first – the thought or the feeling. Or do they happen simultaneously? People go back and forth on this.

But some people that say even in the micro-moment, there is a thought that precedes the feeling. We can even train ourselves to have an automatic bodily reaction to something because we’ve associated certain circumstances with certain thoughts and emotions.  Our thoughts can become so automatic that the emotion is instantaneous and strong. So, it’s important to check out the thoughts we have.

We want to step into any circumstance with a neutral energy and mindset. This is all easier said than done.

SHARING ALL THE FEELS WITH OUR TEENS

Many times, the things that trigger us have to do with feeling safe and comfortable and able to function. We have expectations based on our core needs. At the surface level, it may look like we’re upset because the kitchen isn’t clean, and it was our teen’s responsibility to wash dishes and wipe down the counters. However, when we look deeper, our anger and frustration may be triggered by a trauma response, sometimes from childhood.

When we can share with our teens that we’re triggered by a dirty kitchen because when we were growing up, we lived in chaos, then they can understand and empathize with us. It’s not just because mom said so.

When we share, though, we want to make sure our teens understand that they are not responsible for our emotions.

LETTING OUR TEENS EXPERIENCE THEIR BIG FEELINGS

It can be scary for us as parents and teachers to watch our teens experiencing emotions, where we don’t know what to do.

This translates also into adult relationships when you’re watching someone you care about – your child or even your partner – experience strong emotion, and because of our belief systems, we want to stop them from feeling those things. Maybe we’ve been taught (around emotions) that everyone is just supposed to be happy and good all the time. That strong emotions are bad or scary. When this is what we’ve been taught, we can experience discomfort around our teens having discomfort.

Shutting Them Down vs. Validation

Typically, if we’ve been taught that those big emotions are bad, we’ll try to comfort or quell or shift those emotions by saying, things like, “Oh, you’re fine. It’s no big deal. You’re okay. You don’t need to feel that way. You don’t need to be sad anymore.”

It may sound comforting, but it is a form of gaslighting. We’re not validating their experience.

What’s more helpful are statements like, “I know you’re scared right now. It’s totally okay and understandable why you’re scared right

First-Time Feels

With teens, especially, it can be very easy to invalidate their feelings because they’re younger, and we may have the mindset that they haven’t seen how bad things can really be or how hard things really are. As their relationships become more and more complex, in both dating and friendships, we need to remember that teens feel all of those feelings the same way that we do. It’s just that it’s the first time they’re feeling it, which to me makes it even harder.

Holding Space for Them

It’s so important to hold space to remember that everything they’re feeling is valid. It’s not true that “it’s not as serious because you’re only 13, 14, 16, etc.” That mindset can be traumatizing for our teens, so we want to be careful to validate and allow for their strong emotions and teach them that it’s not a scary thing. It’s okay to have that full roller coaster and it’s completely normal. And yes, it’s hard.

SACRIFICING EMOTIONS FOR ACCEPTANCE

The high school years can also be a time when emotions start to get shut down. A protection mechanism may start to go up. In those years, rejection starts happening. Even in middle school, they’re experiencing rejection, abandonment, and heartbreak, all these really real things.

Our teens might learn that if they don’t express their feelings – or at least, their true feelings – they are more likely to be accepted and included.

They may self-sacrifice for the sake of hanging on to that external connection, acceptance in the friend group.

Even as adults, we may do that, in order to just go with the flow and to not be vulnerable, to protect ourselves.

It’s a huge thing to be able to express what we’re feeling and feel safe, or at least just feel brave to be able to do it. And it’s something important to model for our teens.

Being able to fully express our emotions.

What If It’s NOT Safe to Share Your Feels?

There are going to be situations where it’s not safe to be vulnerable. Because we know that those situations are out there, we want to create places where our teens can safely share their emotions. A kind of home base. We also want to give them tools to help them recognize when it’s not safe and when it is – discernment.