Show Notes

BEING HARD ON YOURSELF

If you’re like me, you might struggle with being hard on yourself. I was well into my 20s before it dawned on me that I would never speak to a friend the way I was speaking to myself.

There’s a reason I defined Ish Girl as “having grace with herself.” I have to have that constant reminder because my inner voice’s default is critical sarcasm.

As teachers and parents, it’s super important that we’re modeling what it looks like to have a kind inner voice. Our teens pick up on so much more than we give them credit for!

BEING HARD ON YOURSELF STARTS IN THE BRAIN

All of our actions stem from what’s going on inside our brains. Whether it’s a thought or a feeling, or both, your mind drives your actions and behaviors.

That means that what we’re thinking influences how we interact with our teens.

And that’s what we’re focusing on today – how negative self-talk impacts our actions.

If you’ve been with me for a while, you might remember an episode I did with my friend, Diane Lynn,  all about The Thought Model – a tool that helps you take your involuntary thoughts and shift them into intentional ones.

DO YOU FIND YOU’RE BEING HARD ON YOURSELF IN THIS WAY?

Here’s what I mean. As a teacher, do you ever find yourself thinking something along these lines?

• “I’ll never get these plans done.
• Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a teacher.
• Why don’t they just listen to me?”

Or, as a parent, do you find yourself thinking:

• “Everything I say and do with my teen is wrong right now – I just can’t win.
• I’ll never get through to her.
• ​I’m a horrible parent – why can’t I stop nagging/yelling/overreacting?”

Have you had similar discouraging or shaming thoughts? Moments of inadequacy are human, but if they aren’t kept in check, thoughts like these will mushroom into a bigger problem.

IT’S TIME FOR A CHANGE

If this is resonating with you, whether you use a tool like The Thought Model or something else to stop being hard on yourself and replace negative thoughts that don’t serve you with intentional ones that do, it’s time for a change.

Teaching and parenting middle schoolers is hard. It can also be very isolating. We’re often the only adult in the room, which can lead to you keeping a lot of your thoughts to yourself during the day.

The question is, are you paying attention to what you are saying to yourself?

If you continue to let critical thoughts go unchallenged, they can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression, and even start chipping away at your self-esteem.

WHY BEING HARD ON YOURSELF IS ABOUT MORE THAN YOU

It’s not only important for you and your well-being

When you are interacting with middle schoolers you are on stage. Your teens are always watching how you treat:

• yourself
• other adults
• them
• other teens

So as a true mentor (which is our end goal in teaching and parenting middle schoolers, right?) it’s time to get your own thoughts in check

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR THOUGHTS IN CHECK?

How do you do that?

A very practical first step is to carry a small notebook and start writing things down. 

• Not every thought of course, but as it becomes a habit, you will start to do it more automatically. 
• Tracking your thoughts, just like you might track your exercise or eating, will give you data you can look at.
• Are there patterns you notice? 

Another place to start is by recording your feelings. 

• Do you feel anxious at certain times of the day?
• Do you feel depressed during certain activities?
• Notice the thoughts you are having during those feelings. There is definitely a connection.

SELF-AWARENESS AND BEING HARD ON YOURSELF

Identifying your thoughts and emotions is a skill you can develop. The key is self-awareness. 

For your note-taking, I encourage you to use the self-awareness questions I talked about in last week’s episode, that my friend Tami Schow shared with me, to guide you:

• What am I thinking? (the thoughts running through your head)
• What am I feeling? (1-word emotions – there may be several)
• What sensations am I experiencing in my body? (rapid heartbeat, roaring in ears, numbness in legs, etc)
• What is my involuntary body movement/body language? (Crossing arms, tapping toes, hunching in on self, chest out, head down, shoulders up, etc.)
• What are your 5 senses experiencing in the moment? (tunnel vision, sound muffled, intense smells, sound amplified, etc.)

From there, I’d highly recommend using the Thought Model Steps to process what you observed. Using it will also help you be intentional about shutting down those critical thoughts and replacing them with ones that serve you.

Being aware of what’s going on in your head will empower you to change your thoughts and emotions.

And that, my friend, will change your reactions as well. 

AVOIDING PITFALLS

Don’t let false shame or pride keep you from moving forward.

Shame, according to the website, “Good Therapy,” is a feeling of being unworthy, bad, or wrong.

One of the quickest roads to shame is perfectionism. Also from “Good Therapy”: Perfectionism is often defined as the need to be or appear to be perfect, or even to believe that it’s possible to achieve perfection.

Perfectionism is such a trap. It’s often seen as a positive trait that increases your chances of success, but it can lead to self-defeating thoughts or behaviors that make it harder to achieve goals. It may also cause stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.

Brene Brown… “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth.” She explains that perfectionism is used by many people as a shield to protect against the pain of blame, judgment, or shame.

Move past it and be willing to do the work towards change. 

SMALL STEPS ADD UP TO BIG CHANGE

Little steps, friend. Little steps.

Self-awareness and self-discovery can be overwhelming at times. 

Small steps truly make a difference.

So does honesty.

A willingness to change for your own well-being is so important.

You need to be your best self.

Those around you need you to be your best self too.

If you truly want to be a role model for your students, start by being kind to yourself.