Show Notes

MOVING PAST FRUSTRATION

Frustrated with your teens? Not feeling connected to them? Whether you’re a teacher or a parent of middle schoolers, the reason for these feelings might surprise you. That’s what we’re talking about today – AND about what you can do TODAY to start moving past frustration.

TAKING A BREAK

Last week, I traveled with my daughter to do her first college visit.

I really looked forward to the trip, because it seems like lately, we’ve both experienced a lot of frustration with each other. I hoped that getting out of our routine would help us reconnect and get out of the rut we’ve been in – where one or both of us has been easily irritated by the other.

And it worked – we had an amazing time together, exploring the university and the town, going on a couple of hikes, visiting with family in the area. It was exactly what we needed.

However, we don’t always have the luxury of a “break” with our teens, whether they’re our children or our students.

STUCK IN A Frustration RUT 

Often, we’re doing the day in/day out thing, with no relief in sight. Which means we’ve got to find other ways to manage our frustration and irritability, because if not handled well, those emotions can have a huge impact on how well we’re connecting with our teens.

When teens don’t feel safe or heard in their environment, it affects their motivation and engagement.

YOUR HIGHEST PRIORITY

Whether you’re a teacher or a parent, your highest priority is creating an environment of safety and trust and nurturing it consistently.

For you teachers, this is a great article from Education Week with tips on how to do that.

For parents, this is a great article on relationship-building with your teens.

TAKING OUR TIME

The thing is, we have to take our time nurturing relationships. Stephen Covey points out that…. “Fast is slow and slow is fast”. We have to take our time nurturing relationships.

Once our teens know they are cared for, they will begin to trust that they are safe and believe that you genuinely care. For teachers, this means they’re more invested in learning, more comfortable sharing and interacting in the classroom, more confident about showing up as themselves.

For parents, this means they feel unconditionally loved and accepted, which is a safe place to begin exploring their identities and figuring out who they are – and who they aren’t.

Too often teachers (especially new ones), and parents (with children who are just entering puberty and the teen years) can get lost in overwhelm. Especially right now when our world looks completely different than it ever has before.

Frustration and lack of connection can set in.

TIME TO LOOK INWARD AT YOUR FRUSTRATION

If you’ve nurtured the relationships with your teens but you are still feeling frustration, it’s time to look inward.

Develop Self-Awareness

Self-awareness, as defined by CASEL (The Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning) is…  “The ability to understand one’s own emotions, thoughts, and values and how they influence behavior across contexts. This includes capacities to recognize one’s strengths and limitations with a well-grounded sense of confidence and purpose”.

In simpler terms, we must take responsibility for our emotions and how they influence our behavior.

We have to REFRAME. For example, ‘Are the students being difficult or am I disorganized and ill-prepared today?’ Or, for a parent, ‘Is my teen being unreasonable, or am I triggered by what he’s complaining about?’

Let’s be honest – being aware of our own emotions, feelings and internal responses at the moment is challenging, even when we know we struggle with that awareness. My friend, Tami Schow, an LPC who’s been on the podcast as my guest several times, shared a strategy that can help. She recommends these questions that you can practice asking yourself, so you can stay in the moment and maintain your awareness of self: 

• What am I thinking? (the thoughts running through your head)
• What am I feeling? (1-word emotions – there may be several)
• What sensations am I experiencing in my body? (rapid heartbeat, roaring in ears, numbness in legs, etc)
• What is my involuntary body movement/body language? (Crossing arms, tapping toes, hunching in on self, chest out, head down, shoulders up, etc.)
• What are your 5 senses experiencing in the moment? (tunnel vision, muffled sounds, intense smells, amplified sounds, etc.)

When we focus on answering these questions, it can keep us from defaulting into the fight-flight-freeze state, which is where we find ourself doing things like lashing out, yelling, or responding in ways that don’t line up with our values or beliefs.

Ditch Shame

This brings me to another really important key to dealing with frustration with your teens – because when what we do and say doesn’t line up with our values and beliefs, it can cause a lot of shame. And that shame? It can prevent us from change.

What do I mean by that? The realization that you are taking your stress out on your teens can cause you personal shame.

If you get stuck there, change can’t happen.

If you acknowledge it and move forward, that’s when the change happens.

What happens next is hard but necessary.

Don’t let pride stand in your way if you need to apologize to your teens.

It will rebuild the trust and your credibility.

It also sets an example for them.

Remember, it’s not about not messing up – it’s about how we handling things afterward – how we come back together and reconcile.

None of us is perfect. As long as we are able to apologize we can move forward. What a powerful example for your teens to see and follow!

Determine Steps

In previous episodes, we talked about some of the causes of teacher stress: student behaviors, student engagement, and time management. And in a different episode, we’ve also talked about strategies for handling arguments with teens – all of which are difficult situations.

If we know that these are the areas where struggle is probably going to happen, we can take proactive steps so that frustration does not overwhelm us and affect our connections with teens.

Teachers, preparing for difficult situations is as important – if not more so! – as preparing your lesson plans.

Parents, preparing for difficult situations is as important – if not more so! – as determining how you’re going to handle disciplining your teens.

FRUSTRATION FROM THE INSIDE OUT

If you struggle with frustration with your teens, take a moment to look inward.

The message here isn’t that they aren’t being difficult. (They may very well be.) But look inward and say, “How am I contributing? How can I change to better my connections with my teens.”

Don’t let shame about some realizations hold you back from genuine change. You are human! We all make mistakes.

Be proactive – decide how you’re going to show up in those moments of frustration.

Being authentic with your teens will not only change you for the better but will provide them with such a positive role model. One that they will never forget.

Articles

Related Episodes