Show Notes

THE ROAD TO INDEPENDENCE

Many of us struggle with knowing how – and when – to let go in order to give our middle schoolers more independence.

It’s part of the reason that parenting and teaching this age group is so challenging. Often it can seem like one day, they want to be treated (or act!) like they’re much younger, and other days it’s the exact opposite, and they want to be treated as much older kids.

It’s messy and it can be hard to know what freedoms to give and what boundaries to keep in place because there are so many moving parts.

Do we look at age? Maturity? Level of responsibility? What their friends are getting to do?

Because, I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret here – when my kids tell me that so and so’s parents are letting them – fill in the blank, I do have a voice in my head that’s questioning my decisions. Do that kid’s parents really let them do that? Am I being too strict to not allow it?

And while it would be great to have a one-size-fits-all solution, that is definitely NOT what I’m offering today.

3 KEYS TO HELPING YOUR  MIDDLE SCHOOLER MOVE TOWARD INDEPENDENCE

Like pretty much everything else I talk about, the road to independence with your kids is all about KNOWING your child, MANAGING yourself, and CULTIVATING a foundation of respect between you and your teen.

KNOWING YOUR CHILD

Beyond Favorites

What I mean when I talk about knowing your kiddos is not just about what their favorite color is, who their friends are, or what books and movies they like. Yes, those things are important, however, for independence, we’re looking at where they are developmentally, too.

Developmentally Appropriate

This is a great opportunity for me to remind you about something I first started talking about in episodes 35 and 36 of the podcast. It’s something that has changed my parenting game – developmental appropriateness in our middle schoolers. Once you understand that the development our kids go through during their middle school years is a lot like the development they went through from birth to about 3-years-old, it’s a perspective-shifter.

If you want to dig deeper into that, I highly encourage you to go back and listen to those episodes. For here, what I’ll say is that our kid’s push for independence is absolutely appropriate. When we understand it as part of the healthy process of moving toward adulthood, it’s something we can embrace with gratitude – even if it’s super frustrating and challenging.

MANAGING YOURSELF

What’s Your Long-Term Vision?

When it comes to managing ourselves, especially around this area of independence, we must really examine our long-term vision. For example, yes, the short-term goal of having a clean bathroom means it’s easier for me to wipe down the bathroom rather than nagging my teens to do it. However, when I look at my long-term goal, which is for my teens to be responsible adults, holding them accountable for cleaning that bathroom is the better decision. (And as a side note, I can absolutely do it without nagging.)

Too Much, Too Soon, or Cinderella Syndrome?

For parents, one of the most challenging parts about this transition to independence is leaning too far in one direction – tipping toward more responsibility than freedom, or vice versa, too much freedom, and no responsibility. If you tend toward the first, your teens might feel resentful, toward the second, and they may start to feel entitled.

Staying in the center isn’t easy. Our teens’ growth looks more like a spirograph drawing than a nice, neat line.

CULTIVATING RESPECT

Take Them Seriously

Taking your child seriously sends the message that you value them. During your conversations, you can do that by affirming that you understand their ideas, responding to them with empathy and validation. Also, be willing to accept a different perspective – I don’t know about you, but I’ve often been blown away by some of my kids’ thoughts and ideas. I would also caution you to disagree respectfully and only on the big stuff (ideas and values versus taste and preference.)

Listen Generously

Active listening involves withholding judgment, listening to understand (not to respond,)
clarify by reflecting or paraphrasing, and using nonverbal cues like nodding, eye contact, and facial expressions. Generous listening does all of that too, and in addition, it’s characterized by assuming the very best about the person who is communicating – their intention, their meaning, their goals.

Be Curious

Curiosity can turn an interrogation into a conversation. The energy and intent we hold behind our questions can make all the difference in the world. You can be curious with your teens by using open-ended questions, using “what” NOT “why” (why implies judgment,) and by staying far away from a demanding tone.

A FOUNDATION FOR INDEPENDENCE

Strengthening these three skills sets the foundation for helping our middle schoolers move toward independence.

I think it would be useful here to define independence, in the context of raising our teens. For our purposes, when I say “independence,” I’m alluding to 4 key traits that Ph.D. Carl Pickhardt describes in an article for Psychology Today.

Responsible – shows up and follows through on commitments

Accountable – resolutely faces consequences when they’ve messed up or made a mistake, reconciles and makes restitution when appropriate

Industrious – identifies wants and needs and works diligently for them

Resourceful – problem-solves and implement solutions

GROWING INDEPENDENCE

If you are stressing about the huge canyon/abyss that lies between your kiddos and those descriptions, there’s good news. We all can learn independence skills. That includes our teens!

Independence is a muscle that we can strengthen. As parents and teachers, there are lots of ways we can show up as our middle schoolers’ personal trainers. That’s what we’re going to be talking about in the next few episodes.

ARTICLES

EPISODES REFERENCED