Show Notes

VALUING RESPECT

I think for all of us, as parents and teachers, respect is a huge thing. It’s something that was expected from us when we were kids, and it’s a value that we’re working to instill in our own middle schoolers.

In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that when our middle schoolers are disrespectful, it triggers us. I don’t know about you, but my buttons are not just pushed, they’re JAMMED when my teens are sassy or rude.

And that’s normal – because as human beings, respect is a core need.

BUT.

It is not our middle schooler’s job to fulfill our need for respect.

So, what is their job?

To understand what our teens’ job is, we have to first understand our jobs, as the adults in their lives.

OUR JOBS AS PARENTS AND TEACHERS

I found an analogy that I love that breaks down our roles with our kids into 4 stages. This applies to parents and teachers. Our first role, when they are babies and toddlers, is to be their caregivers – we’re just trying to keep them alive. We transition into our next role when they hit preschool/kindergarten; it lasts throughout elementary school, and that is as a cop. We’re there to teach and enforce the rules. The next transition is when they hit middle school – and this is the place where many of you are right now. This third role is as their coach. And finally, when they’re in their late teens and early twenties, we make the shift to being the consultant – we only offer advice or opinions when we are asked or invited.

So our role, or job, right now is to coach our middle schoolers.

Most people, and this may include you, want to have a great relationship with their teens and speak into their lives – they don’t just want to be a coach, they want to be a connected coach. But the problem is that they focus on things like managing their kids’ behavior or trying to protect them from things they (the adults) are afraid of.

This brings us back to respect – because that is something that’s easy to recognize in a kid’s behavior.

So, let’s jump back to the job our middle schoolers have.

OUR MIDDLE SCHOOLERS’ JOB

Our teens are in the middle of an extremely difficult task. One that has no set timeline or structure and doesn’t always have defined rules.

Their job right now is to practice who they are NOT in order to figure out who they ARE.

I’m going to say that again.

Their job is to practice who they are NOT in order to figure out who they ARE.

When they do that, our teens are being developmentally appropriate.

It’s part of the way they separate from us – adults in their life – in order to form their own identity.

RESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR OR RESPECTFUL HUMAN BEING?

And isn’t that what we want? For them to form their own identity? To adopt their own values, beliefs, and priorities? To become independent adults? It’s something I’ve talked about a lot on the podcast recently, especially in episodes 140 – 143.

I grew up in an environment where behavior was of the ultimate importance. Not just in my home, but in my school, and in the church I attended.

And let me tell you, there were a lot of kids who were SO very well behaved (myself included.) Adults loved us. However. The things we did when adults weren’t around did not reflect the values and beliefs they were trying to instill in us. Was our behavior impeccable around those adults? Absolutely. We were respectful and compliant. Were we internalizing what they were teaching us? Not so much.

If that doesn’t resonate with you, think about a movie that most of us are familiar with – The Breakfast Club. The teens in it are older than our middle schoolers, but it’s still a great example of what it looks like when grownups demand respect. Kids may show it, but they’re certainly not feeling it or internalizing it. And if you’re like me, you don’t even want them to.

So, why am I sharing these stories? Because now we’re on the other side of the equation, as the parents and teachers, and we have to decide whether it’s more important for our teens to behave respectfully to us, in the moment, because we’re demanding their respectful behavior, or is it better for them to become respectful human beings?

THERE HAS TO BE A CHOICE

If we’re going to demand the behavior, then we’re missing out on creating connection with our teens.  Why? Because when any of us don’t have the option to say “no,” we can never choose to say “yes” in love. Because there’s not a choice at all.

If we want our kids to become respectful people, we have to give them the choice to be disrespectful to us and not take it personally.

Because they are practicing who they are NOT in order to figure out who they ARE.

Now, this is not to say that there aren’t consequences for being disrespectful. At the very least, there will be a discussion.

What I am saying is that when you take the focus off of yourself and the respect you feel entitled to, you are putting the spotlight on your teen. You’re helping them consider the kind of person they want to be.

3 KEYS TO GUIDING OUR TEENS TO RESPECT

To do this, there are some key steps you want to follow.

1. First, you must define your values, beliefs, and priorities and model, teach and reinforce them with your teens.
2. In the moment, the goal is to stay out of fight-flight-or-freeze mode. This is where you’re able to stay in your thinking brain and choose to not take things personally. If you can’t do that in the moment, know that you can always circle back later. You can make amends, and move on to the next step.
3. Once both you and your teen are in a place where you can communicate, you’ll want to have a conversation. This is the time to talk about the kind of person they want to become.

CONTROLLING COACH OR CONNECTED COACH?

So, you have two options here. You can choose to focus on your middle schoolers’ behavior, reacting to the trigger of them being disrespectful to you. Or you can focus on becoming a Connected Coach – an adult who doesn’t take their teens’ behavior personally. One who uses the moments when they are practicing who they are NOT to guide them toward who they ARE.

If you want to be a Connected Coach, I encourage you to join me for my next free master class. To be the first to know all the details, be sure to join the waitlist.

This Week’s Recs

LAST CHRISTMAS

by Wham

by Taylor Swift

by Ariana Grande

Related Episodes