Show Notes

THE FOUNDATION OF REPAIR

For this episode of In the Middle of It, I am so excited to welcome Erica Wright as we talk about the repair process for relationships.

Repair is not only about mending the connection between the two people who are arguing – it’s also about the innocent bystanders. The onlookers feel the same kind of stress as those who are actually in the disagreement. And they can be the ones who suffer the longest because they’re often overlooked in the repair process.

This is important as parents and teachers because sometimes the fights are between us, the adults. Which means our middle schoolers are the innocent bystanders. We want to make sure we’re doing repairs with everyone who has been impacted so that those innocent parties can feel safe again, and so they can emotionally regulate.

THE SIMPLEST REPAIR

The simplest form of repair is simply acknowledging the impact we’ve had. It doesn’t even have to be an apology. It can just be something like, “I see that this hurt you.” Once you’ve acknowledged that impact, you want to notice any innocent bystanders and remember to include them in the repair.

When you sense that your middle schooler is worried or frightened or uncomfortable because of an argument between you and another adult, here is the simple process you can follow:

State the facts (acknowledge what happened)

Observe any impact

Validate and empathize

THE INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF REPAIR

During any conversation with heightened emotions, we want to separate the repair into inside the moment and outside the moment. There is a different set of tools for each of these segments.

When words are flying and energy is flying back and forth, there is something you can do to start the repair process. Typically, you and the other person are getting triggered (having strong emotions) and you may even be thrown into a state of fight-flight-or-freeze.

The repair you start while in the moment is a temporary fix – a bandaid – that will keep things moving until you can get outside the moment. It’s then that the actual reconnection comes full circle and resolves.

THE THREE STEPS FOR STARTING REPAIR IN THE HEAT OF AN ARGUMENT

Breathe

When you’re in a conversation that escalates and you notice that you or your partner is triggered, the first thing you want to do is take a deep breath. You want to bring your body back to the present moment so that you can both get on the same page.

Just slow down, take a breath, and bring your body back to neutral. Getting back to neutral is the whole point of the in-the-moment – de-escalating the trigger and slowing things down so you can reconnect with your body and get out of your own head.

Reassure

The next step is to make a reassuring statement to the other person. You might use humor here and bring playfulness into it. Depending on your partner, you might even use physical touch, reaching for their hand or giving them a hug.

Because our triggers are usually rooted in our childhoods, it’s helpful to remember that you’ve both reverted into toddler mode. Ask yourself, “What would comfort a three-year-old?”

Even if you think you’re in the right, you want to set that aside. This moment is all about de-escalating because when you’re both triggered, nothing gets solved. These in-the-moment repair steps are geared toward neutralizing the situation so that you can come back around later and have the repair conversation.

Practicing this is helpful so that we’re training our brains to be in the habit of going through these repair steps.

Notice

The third step is to notice you and your partner coming back down. Take a moment to feel proud that “Wow, I just de-escalated that!” or “My partner just helped me calm back down. That’s amazing!” Really celebrating that insight and self-awareness.

THE POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT OF REPAIR

Being aware in the moment and celebrating that you’ve changed the trajectory of the conversation can give you a shot of dopamine. Your brain is rewarding you for changing the pattern, for showing up differently.

This is important because the opposite is true as well. People love to be right. We can get addicted to bickering and fighting to be right which also can give us a temporary hit of dopamine.

However, when we can drop the fighting to be right and move into a conscious conversation where we’re seeking to understand and connect, that releases oxytocin, which is a bonding, connection hormone. It’s the “happy” hormone.

So, we have a choice. We can get the temporary dopamine hit of being right, but that leaves one partner left wrong and usually unhappy. Or we can set aside the temporary hit and go for the long-term oxytocin connection.

That leads us to what we value and prioritize in our relationships. If your end game is to be right, this process of repair won’t work. You will sacrifice your relationship. However, if the goal is to create understanding and connection, your conversational priorities look very different.

WHEN YOUR SOLO IN THE REPAIR PROCESS

If your partner isn’t interested in making the repair, or they don’t want to do this work, that is okay. We want to do this work for ourselves because it impacts our own levels of satisfaction, connection, and happiness. Ultimately, your mindset shift will be for your own best benefit. The work is for you.

Realistically, your teen will probably not want to do this work – that is developmentally appropriate. We can still model the repair process and talk to our teens about it. We can encourage them to practice it as they develop, and we can coach them to get to the point of apology and reparation rather than leaving the loop open.

It takes our own vulnerability and humility to teach our teens how to graciously repair. We can trust that they are absorbing what we’re modeling and teaching them, storing and recording it with their unconscious minds.

Watching how they interact with their friends is often a great way to see what’s taken root.

SHARING THE STORIES OF REPAIR

It can also be great to share your own stories of repair with your teens. Talk about a conflict you had with someone in the past and walk them through the process of what happened. You can share with them that sometimes repairs didn’t work out the way you wanted them to, and other times they did. It’s not the outcome that’s important, it’s showing up as the kind of person you want to be. You’re going to feel better afterward because you’ve done your part.