Show Notes

Repairing Connection After an Argument

The process of repair happens both inside and outside the arguments we have with our teens. Outside the moment of an argument is where the real lesson is learned, and where we make the real repair. It’s an opportunity to get to the root of whatever triggered us and heal it.

It’s a process involving self-awareness and examination alone, as well as conversations with the people impacted.

STEP 1 – OBSERVING

This step begins with time alone. We want to do whatever we need to uncover what happened during the argument – whether that’s journaling, thinking as we take a walk, or writing. Whatever works for us. This is a great process to neutralize whatever just happened between our teens and ourselves. Once we get all our thoughts down on paper, we can start to explore.

Ask ourselves questions  

What just happened here? How did my body respond? What emotions was I feeling?

Play detective

This means separating facts from thoughts. Mentally walking through the argument and thinking holistically about what was happening. A great tool to use for this is The Thought Model, which helps separate out the circumstance, our thoughts, our emotions, our response, and the result.

As we dump out our thoughts on paper, we want to observe which thoughts triggered the emotional response in our bodies.

Dig deeper

Anger and frustration are usually just the first layers of emotions. For repairs to be truly effective, we want to dig past those to discover the underlying emotions. Typically, they deal with our core needs, like feeling inadequate, unlovable, not good enough, unsure, and unsafe.

Often in an argument, there’s something bigger going on underneath that’s been building up. We might even realize we’re having the same argument over and over and over in different contexts. But it’s all about the same thing really.

In general, the roots of our arguments boil down to a few things:

•  power struggles
• wanting to be right
• desiring to be seen, heard, validated, and understood
• wanting to feel secure and safe

 Maslow’s Hierarchy

From the bottom of the hierarchy upwards, the needs are physiological (food and clothing), safety (job security), love and belonging needs (friendship), esteem, and self-actualization. Needs lower down in the hierarchy must be satisfied before individuals can attend to needs higher up.

Don’t Rush to Step 2

If we try to have the repair conversation when we’re still triggered, it will solve nothing. We’re still in fight-flight-freeze mode and stress hormones are still hijacking our brains. It’s a smart idea to check in with ourselves before we have the conversation with our teens.

Ask yourself things like: What is my intention? Why are we having the conversation? If it’s to prove a point or make the other person feel bad for making me feel bad or anything other than repair and connection, we got to do some more journaling, go on another walk, meditate.

Make Sure You’re Really Ready

We want to get to the point where our desire to understand is as high or higher than our desire to be understood. Part of our reflection process is getting clear on what happened on our own side of the street. However, we also want to think about what happened on their side of the street. Think through your teen’s history, background, childhood, traumas, and belief systems. How does what they did or said make sense given the circumstances?

 We want to take time so we can come back and share that in conversation. In our repair conversation we’re sharing: “Here’s what I learned about me and here’s what I see over there in your world. I totally get why we each said what we did – it makes sense.” That’s the validating and empathizing piece.

STEP 2 – SCHEDULING

This step is so simple, but it often doesn’t happen. We want to get confirmation that our teen is interested, willing, and ready to have a repair conversation.

This is important, because when we barrel in and demand that we have the conversation, our teens may not be ready. They might still be in their triggered brains, or maybe they haven’t had a chance to reflect (Step 1.)

We want to go through this step to honor our teens’ boundaries and needs – even if we are antsy to get things settled. In fact, feeling antsy is a red flag telling us that we need to self-regulate and meet our needs for calm and peace in the moment.

Because we do not need to have a repair conversation with our teens to get back to peace. We are responsible for our own emotional well-being, and we cannot rely on external things to regulate our emotions. We don’t need our teens or our partners to do anything differently to feel better.

We need to have the repair conversation, but we can’t rely on it to make us feel better.

We’re a puppet of life when we externally regulate.

Erica Wright

 Keep it Simple

 Scheduling can be as simple as “Hey, I’d love to talk about what just happened, or what happened yesterday, and is now a good time to talk?” And if it’s not a good time for them to talk now, then pick a time and schedule it.

Don’t Let it Linger

But we don’t want to let it linger into the ether, because then things will get swept under the rug.

This can be tricky with our teens because when we’re giving them the option to put it off to another time or wait until they feel better or ready to talk, it can feel like we’re giving up control. However, it’s beneficial to stick to this process because we’re demonstrating such a high level of respect for them.

The great part is that as an adult, we can usually sense when they’re stalling. By scheduling it and putting it on the calendar, we’re modeling that the repair is a high priority.

By doing this, we are also teaching them that they don’t have control over our emotions. Mom doesn’t need to have this conversation for her to feel better. It can be scary for a kid to think, “Oh, my God, I have to do this, this and this so my parent feels better.” That is a recipe for codependency.

STEP 3 – OWNING IT

This is when we enter the conversation. Again, we want to tune into our energy, our vibe, how are we feeling right? We want to enter in a peaceful, calm, cool and collected state with the intention to connect and repair and feel better for both of us.

Inarguable Truth

What we’re talking about is sharing our experience. We want to share the “inarguable truth.” When we communicate with things that are subjective, like saying “I feel disrespected,” we may have different opinions about what that means. Also, the other person may hear, “They’re blaming me for disrespecting them,” instead of what you’re really trying to communicate.

So, we want to take things a layer deeper, into the inarguable truth, and that is to share what’s going on in our bodies. Because THAT is inarguable. For instance, sharing that “Right now, I’m feeling so much heat in my face” or “I have a pit in my stomach.” In this step, we can even relay what our bodies were feeling when the argument happened.

When we share our experience this way, our teens’ mirror neurons will fire and start registering. That is where empathy comes into play. We let them into our bodily experience, and they can tune into our emotions and start to stand in our world.

Impact vs. Intent

We want to focus FIRST on the impact we had on our teens and NOT on our intent. It’s very natural for us to say things like, “Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it that way,” or “I didn’t mean it, you shouldn’t have taken it that way” or “I’m sorry you took it that way.”  Or even to apologize and then defend our intent.

That’s not super-effective. That gets into the land of justifying and explaining and defending our side which then immediately will put the other person in “I’m unsafe” defense mode – they don’t feel seen or understood.

What really helps our teens feel understood and seen and validated is if we can focus on the impact that we had on them.

What we can do is state what we did, state how we think it makes our teen feel, and then validate that feeling. Here’s an example:

“Hey, I realize that I got home 30 minutes late and that must have been really worrisome for you. I totally understand and see why you had the reaction that you did.”

Being able to validate and empathize with their anger and their hurt by standing in their world is going to help them feel safe and calm cool and collected while we’re having the conversation.

In Step 3, we want to be cognizant and make sure we’re not projecting our ideas, stories, and emotions onto our teens. In this “owning it” phase, we could even ask questions: How are we feeling? What are we thinking? Get curious. For example, we can ask things like: “I sense that we’re frustrated. Is that true?”

STEP 4 – UNDERSTANDING

This step is all about understanding, validating, and empathizing with what our teen’s experience has been.

Helpful statements might look like: “I get it. I totally get it,” or “It makes sense why we’re angry.”

With teens, it’s a good time to ask an open-ended question. To help them understand, especially as teens when their world can be narrow and self-focused, (which is developmentally appropriate) our perspective and responsibilities as an adult. To see the whole picture.

To Apologize – or Not?

When we practice these steps, we may discover that saying “I’m sorry” isn’t even necessary. Often, it’s not necessarily what people even want to hear. And sometimes it’s not helpful.

“I’m sorry” is missing the acknowledgment of the impact and the validating and the empathizing of the hurt on the other side.

Even if, in our opinion, there was nothing wrong with what we did or said and there’s no bad intention, it literally doesn’t matter. We are responsible for the impact that we have on others. (Not their emotions! We can’t control their emotions!) But if we are impacting them, we take responsibility for our actions.