Show Notes

Why Use Stories?

One of the biggest frustrations with teens is getting them to listen to you. Convincing them that your years of experience can benefit them, that you are not (let’s face it, we know they’re thinking it sometimes) complete idiots. But how do we do that? By telling them our stories.

In the podcast, you heard a story that I use with my kids. When they’ve dealt with being left out. When they faced situations where they needed to persevere. When they are feeling hurt and rejected and lonely.

It’s a reference point now, something that we go back to over and over because it’s full of hard-won lessons.

Here’s the secret: we are hardwired as humans to be drawn into stories.

What Smart People Say About Stories

I researched several articles for this episode (see the Referenced in this Episode section below.) Most of these sources agreed – stories light up the sensory part of our brains, which means we feel the experience that we’re listening to.

One of the articles quotes a Princeton researcher, Uri Hasson, who explained that a story is the only way to activate parts in the brain so that a listener turns the story into their own idea and experience.

What does this mean for us as parents?

Telling our teens stories – especially ones about ourselves – can make a bigger impact and deeper impression than just feeding them information.

I’m going to let that sink in for a minute because I’m sure there are already stories popping into your head from the past. And if you’re like me, another thought pops in quickly after – I don’t know if I can share my stories!

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has some incidents in my past that I only want to share with my teens once they’ve safely reached adulthood – if then, even! Am I right?!

There is something to be said for the idea that telling your teens about unwise life choices gives them a sense of “permission” to do the same, whether it’s drinking, sex, drugs, or otherwise.

But here’s the thing – stories don’t have to be HUGE productions. They can be anything you remember from your childhood, teenage years, or young adulthood. Because I’m betting, if it’s something you still remember, it’s because it impacted YOU is some way.

Which stories should I use and when?

Another question that came up for me was how do I know which story to use for when? For instance, the story I just told wouldn’t necessarily work for sharing thoughts on lying or having a good work ethic.

So, how to choose what to share and what to save?

Here are some steps to use when it comes to telling stories to your teens.

Think about the top 2 or 3 things you really want to communicate to your teen.

Do you want to share with them in areas of character, like honesty, integrity, perseverance, taking responsibility, etc.? I areas like faith, or dating, or values?

Dig through your mental archives.

Ask yourself: What stories am I willing to share? Which ones should I save for later? Which ones illustrate the 2 – 3 ideas I want to communicate?

Make sure you think of ones that show you at your worst – the times you made mistakes and really messed up, as well as things that “happened” to you, and times you triumphed. Believe me, the one I shared earlier is just the tip of the iceberg in my repertoire – I have a “How I learned to not be a liar” story and an “I was so mean to my siblings I’m surprised we still talk” story, among others.

Once you have them in mind, mentally review each story.

Ask yourself: What’s the main point I want to make with this story? What is the simplest, shortest way I can tell the story and still make that point? Do I have to tell the whole story, or will just a piece of it work for right now? (You can do this as a thought exercise, or you can put it in writing.)

For instance, the story I shared is not one that I’ve told my teens from start to finish. I’ve told bits and pieces of it as the occasion fits. When they’ve experienced being left out, I’ve talked about being left out of a Bible study when we first moved here. When they’ve had trouble persevering through a difficult season, I’ve shared about finishing out the semester at the preschool after being left out. When they’ve felt lonely, I’ve reminded them that it took a long time for me to make friends when we first moved back to Texas. You get the idea – one story may hold endless applications.

Wait for the opportune moment.

It’s probably not the best approach to pull out your narratives during heated or emotional moments. If you have “date-time” or family nights, or if you’re taking a road trip – times, when you’re both relaxed, are ideal.

Say something like . . .

“Did I ever tell you about the time I . . .? “

“You want to hear about it?” or

“I have a story from when I was [a teen, in my twenties, in college, whatever] that I’d like to tell you. Are you up for it?”

And then LISTEN to THEM – if they say “No,” shrug it off for another time. If they say yes, dive in and make it quick.

Don’t be discouraged if they don’t react positively.

In a perfect world (or a cheesy TV show), our teens would thank us for bestowing our wisdom and express awe at our amazing experiences. Obviously, that’s not where we live. So, don’t be discouraged if they don’t react positively. In fact, it will be super surprising if they do respond favorably. Brace yourself for groans and ridicule. But that is OKAY. Because regardless of how they respond, know that it is biologically programmed into them to listen to stories – even yours.

Using Stories to Connect Works

Storytelling is one more way to keep adding drops into your teen’s 2-liter bottle. If you’re new to the podcast, that’s my go-to analogy for parenting our teens – our discipline, teaching, and nurturing accumulates in them over the long haul – like adding water to a bottle one drip at a time.

Now, I realize that some of you may be thinking, I don’t HAVE any stories to share. That’s okay. If you don’t have your own, there are plenty out there – that’s why I talk about the YA books and movies so much. Because it’s the same idea – using stories to connect WORKS.