Show Notes

Reflecting on Parenting Teens

I have been reflecting a lot on what this podcast is all about. From the beginning, I’ve wanted to serve parents and teens. Not because I have a fancy degree, or because I think I’m all that. No, it’s kind of the opposite. I’m an ordinary mom trying to feel my way through this parenting thing. It’s my passion to do it intentionally, to be clear about the values, beliefs, and priorities I want to model, to equip myself with a variety of tools and strategies and information so that I can reach my teens.

And if I can do it, you can too.

Unrealistic Expectations

When my oldest was about one, Philip and I took a parenting class. It lasted over 12 weeks and covered a wealth of information. A lot of it wasn’t yet applicable because, hello, we had a 12-month-old.

However, it did give us a clear direction and helped us get on the same page. And, a lot of the things were useful.

But here’s the thing. One of the things they communicated in this video-based study, is that if we used their methods, and “worked the program” so to speak, our children would become “delightful” teens whom we would love being around.

If this was youtube instead of a podcast, you’d be super-impressed by my dramatic eye roll.

Because, as you might guess, this set our family up – okay, full disclosure – it set ME up for a lot of guilt and disappointment in parenting teens.

Used the class’ methods? Check

Worked the program? Check

Modeled grace, mercy, and natural consequences? Check

Delightful teen that I love being around? Um, sometimes? But not always, if I’m being brutally honest.

Where did we go wrong?

For a good while, this led me to a season of questioning and self-doubt. What did I do wrong? Why didn’t all the “work upfront” (a catchphrase in that parenting class), well, WORK?

Let’s be real – this parenting teens thing is difficult enough without unrealistic expectations.

I had to let go of what I thought my teens should look like and figure out how to parent the people they are, right now, in this moment.

Because what worked yesterday doesn’t always work today. And what works today probably won’t work next week. That’s why I’m always searching for new tools and tricks to add to my every-growing parenting tool kit.

This is hard

Parenting teens has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Not because they aren’t great – because they are. But they don’t always act great. Neither do I. And it gets messy and frustrating and overwhelming.

That’s hard to talk about sometimes.

Because, if you’re like me you want to speak well of you family. I made a decision, a long time ago, to only speak positively about my family to people outside my inner circle – and most of the time, to those people too. I’m the person closest to my husband and teens – and everyone is going to believe what I say. I only want my family to hear me saying positive, loving things about them.

Choose your filters

Let me be clear. I’m not talking about “bragging” on them. I’m talking about making sure whatever comes out of my mouth about them is put through a filter of love and grace.

I’ve found that, with my teens, sometimes it means I’m being silent. As in, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”.

Because I know my teens are listening and taking to heart the things I say about them.

But.

I also want to be authentic.

It’s been isolating at times, wondering if anyone else was experiencing the same yo-yo of parenting teens that I have. Like, am I the only one who suspects that I’m completely screwing up my teens?

Parenting Teens in a Village

To be fair, I have a great support network – in fact, I have a friend who has made it her mission to create a “Village” of moms who support each other and keep it real – thanks Ann! We all have girls the same age, and we all love each other’s kids as if they were our own. It makes it easier to share the struggles we’re facing with our teens and trade strategies and ideas.

I also have a great extended family – I know that my parents are praying for my teens (and my husband and I) daily, and that means more than you can imagine.

All the Books

And I have young adult books, that help me get inside the heads of fictional teens and provide a diving board for jumping into discussions with my teens about all kinds of things: from academic stress to body image to suicide to you name it. Sometimes these “discussions” (and I’m using air quotes) are me getting in a couple of questions or statements before getting shut down. And that’s okay, because as I’ve talked about on the show before, it’s all about filling up their two-liter bottle, drop by drop by drop.

And I have parenting books – which, honestly, sometimes are more confusing than helpful – because they all seem to contradict one another – what one says you must absolutely do another says absolutely don’t.

Plus, I have to confess I’m a little leery of reading them anyway – because if my teens see me reading them, they might do what I did when I was a teen. Whenever my mom got a new parenting book, I’d sneak and read it too. Which made it difficult for any of the strategies she tried to really phase me. Yeah. I was that kid.

Curating Stuff about Parenting Teens

Why am I sharing all this?

Because while I don’t have fancy degrees or certifications lined up behind my name, I am good at researching and finding experts to help me parent my teens intentionally. I’m good at reading the books teens are reading and pulling out the big stuff to talk about. And at heart, I’m a teacher. What that means is that whenever I learn something, I can’t wait to share it with the people who need to hear it too.

That would be you guys. The ones on the front lines with your teens, every day.

I want to serve you by sharing what I’ve learned through experience, research, and talking with experts. And I want to focus on the stuff that really matters – the things that we all struggle with in connecting and parenting our teens.