Show Notes

INTENTIONAL PARENTING

When we understand what’s developmentally appropriate in our teens, we can be intentional in our parenting. Knowing that there’s no prescribed timeframe for how teens move from being a kid into being an adult gives us more patience.

It helps to recognize that there are a couple of tasks they need to do to become a whole individual person who chooses how they’re going to live their lives. And the process – being developmentally appropriate – is messy.

QUESTIONING BELIEFS

For example, we can be intentional about welcoming our teens’ questions when we know they need to question the morals and beliefs they were raised with. This is developmentally appropriate because it helps them adopt their own morals and beliefs.

• This questioning is demonstrated in their choices, not just in intellectual discussions
• It’s also developmentally appropriate for them to not think of long-term implications as they make this kind of choice.
• What they’re questioning is: “Do you really know what you’re talking about or are you trying to “fear” me into your decisions?

INTENTIONAL SELF-AWARENESS

Knowing your own beliefs is important as you walk with your teens to help them discover their own beliefs

• This means we must do our own internal work to figure out what we believe – do I believe what I believe because of fear or do I have a solid, intentional reason?
• We can’t give our teens what we don’t have ourselves
• It’s okay to say, “I don’t know, let’s explore this.”
• There’s no guarantee that our teens will eventually come back to what we believe and have taught them. But regardless, it’s healthy for our teens to become adults who adopt their own belief systems and don’t automatically accept someone else’s. And that’s scary for parents.

It’s messy before they land somewhere, but it’s good to go through the process of deciding – it’s the only way to become a full human as an adult. We can be intentional about welcoming that process, even when it’s unpleasant

INTENTIONAL RESPONSES

Validation is a tool we can use intentionally to navigate conversations with our teens.

• It’s not agreement
• It’s accepting our teens (with intention!) in their messiest, most ridiculous, most harmful state

We want to avoid invalidation

• It can be our knee-jerk reaction and comes out of us so easily
• It’s not helpful in helping our teens work through the emotional impact of whatever is going on

INTENTIONAL CORRECTION

Correcting might happen in the same conversation as our teen’s developmentally appropriate behavior, but will probably happen later – when emotions are settled down

• Using open-ended questions for correcting is the most likely way our teens will be able to hear and receive correction
• Teens still need boundaries – they need us to say “It’s not okay to . . . “ We validate their desire AND reinforce the boundaries

Teens need to know why their boundaries make sense, so it’s helpful to know how our own boundaries are based on what’s good, loving, and healthy.

Fear-based boundaries either produce anxious adults who make fear-based decisions or adults who disregard any boundaries we tried to instill

WE’RE PLAYING THE LONG GAME

We need to be kind to ourselves – this is a long process!

This isn’t about where I want my teens to go or who I want them to be – it’s about helping them emerge into themselves, with intention.

Thank you, Tami Schow, for being a guest on In the Middle of It!

TAMI SCHOW

EPISODES REFERENCED