Show Notes

Frustrated By Behavior

• Many times, our teen’s behavior does not have the intentionality we give it.
• When we reframe our teen’s behavior as developmentally appropriate, it keeps us from frustration.
• But, defining behavior as developmentally appropriate doesn’t excuse inappropriate or unhealthy behavior.
• When I know it’s developmentally appropriate for teens to go through certain stages as they’re changing from kids into adults, I can respond to their misbehavior rather than react to it.
• As a result, parents and teens are freed from condemnation and shame once they understand what is developmentally appropriate.

This is not who your teen is – it’s how they are becoming an adult

• As parents, we’re still going to focus on setting boundaries and behaviors and keep them moving toward healthier choices – they don’t get a free license to do anything they want just because they’re going through this stage.
• Recognizing what is developmentally appropriate in your teen is meant to be an internal dialog to help you reframe your teen’s behavior in a non-shaming, process-focused way. It is NOT something you tell your teen, because that can be condescending or belittling.
• When you speak to your teen with that kind of energy, it often shuts down any kind of connection with them. Teens hate being told why they do what they do, or that they don’t “get it” because they’re teenaged.
• There’s no prescribed timeframe for how teens move from childhood into maturity. There are a couple of tasks they need to do to become a whole individual person who chooses how they’re going to live their lives. And the process is messy. (And can leave you feeling frustrated!)

“Good enough parenting”

• There is no perfect parent. If we can consistently fall into the big, wide, gray area of “good enough,” we’re parenting well.
• Keep in mind, your measure of success as a parent is not your teen’s immediate response – it’s being able to say yes to the question “did you create the space for them to grow toward something healthier?”
• Remember, you cannot give space when you are condemning, shutting down, or invalidating.

Examples

• Teens need to go through these developmentally appropriate tasks in order to emerge into adulthood – but that doesn’t mean they’ll manifest in “good” ways. They may be:
  • emotionally reactive and impulsive
  • self-centered and overly self-conscious
  • value their peers’ opinions over their parents’ advice

Thank you to Tami Schow for being on In the Middle of It!

TAMI SCHOW

EPISODES REFERENCED