Show Notes

WHY FIGHTING FAIRLY?

One of the most important things we can model for our middle schoolers is how to fight fairly – but often that’s more easily said than done. For this episode of In the Middle of It, Relationship Coach and Connected Communication Specialist Erica Wright shares what fighting fairly looks like, and teach our teens the skills to do it.

She asserts that fighting and arguing are not the problems. How we do it and how we repair afterward is.

THE 30-30-30 PRINCIPAL

And that can be surprising, especially for those of us who expect our relationships to be smooth sailing 100% of the time. In fact, Erica pointed out that according to research, relationships have more of a 30-30-30 ratio. As in, when we look at our relationships over time, we are connected 30%, breaking that connection (fighting, arguing, etc.) 30%, and repairing 30%.

Stop and think about that for a minute. That means that we are only “on the same page” in our relationships 30% of the time!

Once we understand that, we can recalibrate our expectations. Which means less hand-wringing and guilt when we’re in the disconnected/repairing other 60%.

HOW TO FIGHT FAIRLY

Being successful in the repairing process starts with the way we fight and argue. To make sure we are fighting fairly, we want to ask ourselves 6 important questions.

Does the tone stay respectful even when we disagree?

Tone, energy, and body language are 70% of communication. What is ours saying? Remember this is all about who we are being and our energy and what we’re bringing to the table.

Do our voices stay at a calm level?

This means no screaming or yelling at each other. Even when emotions run high, we can still speak in a calm way.

Do we both (all) find a way to express our wants and needs without attacking each other?

This means we’re practicing active listening: not interrupting, reflecting back on what the other said, validating, asking clarifying questions.

 Is your tone warm and supportive?

This goes not only for your conversation in the moment but for our households in general. How are we speaking to each other?

Are our teens seeing daily examples of emotional generosity and acknowledgment between me and my partner?

Are our positive interactions more frequent than our negative ones? Research shows that to stay in a neutral place, it takes a 5-to-1 ratio. That’s 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one just to stay at an even keel.

If there was a blow-up, how do we come back around to help our teens regulate?

Do we share our experience? As in, here’s what happened, here’s what I was feeling, and here’s how we repaired it. This is important regardless of if the repair was in front of them or not. We need to come back around and reassure them and let them know “you are NOT the problem here.”

Why do they need that reassurance? Because when stress and tension levels get high at home, teens often blame themselves. It’s our job to reassure them that they are not.

FIGHTING FAIRLY AND OUR TEENS

One solution Erica suggests is to create a Fighting Fairly Contract not only with your partner but with your family. This takes a lot of vulnerability because you’re asking your teens to share answers to things like: “What makes me feel safe?” and “When Mom and Dad fight, what leaves you feeling unsafe or worried?”

The big thing to remember in fair fighting is that we want to be committed to it rather than attached to it. We have to take baby steps and have lots of grace with ourselves.