Show Notes

Teen Stress

As I grab school supplies during my Target runs, I’ve been thinking a lot about how different my kids’ academic experience has been from mine. The level of teen stress in my household is on the high end.

We live in a very competitive school district, where only the top 10 percent of any graduating class is given automatic entrance into the state colleges here in Texas. And in an area where you can have a 4.0+ and still not be in the top TWENTY-FIVE percent, competition is fierce.

The pressure my teens are under to succeed, to “do it all” is daunting – because colleges are looking at you extracurriculars, your social media footprint, your carefully curated essays, your discipline report from the first grade, your grandmother’s medical history (jk –those last couple are true. I think?!)

We’re not in Kansas anymore

The first hint that their school experience is drastically different than mine was in middle school when they begged to be allowed to go to school when they were sick. What? My brain had trouble wrapping itself around that one, let me tell you. Any other eighties survivors out there who used the rubbing the thermometer on your jeans trick? Because hello, putting it up to the light bulb meant risking a trip to the doctor.

No, my kids hated to miss school, because it was too hard for them to catch up on what they missed. They still hate it.

Reevaluating to address teen stress

Early on, my husband and I realized we had to reevaluate our approach to handling all things academic-related. Rather than the stereotypical “Have you done your homework?!” overseer strategy, we had to figure out how to support our teens’ academics we had to figure out how to support them where they were – which has required some fancy footwork and maneuvering.

Now, I know that it’s quite possible that you are dealing with a very different problem with your teen in regard to academics, but given that when I googled “high school academic stress 2017” there were 492 MILLION results, I know we are not alone.

With high levels of anxiety and very real pressures coming at them from all directions, we’ve adopted a very loose-handed role with them when it comes to their academics.

We want them to experience joy in their journey to adulting, and have the resiliency, courage, and vulnerability to dare to try new things. And that’s kind of counter-culture right now.

 Strategies to address Teen Stress

Here are some of the practical strategies we’ve adopted to combat teen stress as we’ve learned along the way:

1. Don’t spring last-minute things on them

If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that our teens are very organized with their time (or their time is organized for them?) and last-minute changes can cause TONS of stress. This one is hard for me, being a spontaneous Ish Girl.

2. Have regular calendar meetings.

(Again, this is quite a challenge for This Ish Girl, and one I’m still working on getting better at). Ours usually happen on Sunday nights, and we all pull out our phones, planners, etc. and put stuff on a big calendar that’s velcroed to our pantry door. Each person has a row for their activities, with one left over to write down family activities and meals. (I’ve included a link to the one we use in my show notes.)

3. Along the same lines, don’t overstuff your calendar.

Be a minimalist. Over our family vacation, I listened to Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown, and I’m determined to streamline our lives this fall.

4. Plan for more time than you think you need for all your activities.

In the Essentialism book, one of the best things I took away was the 50% rule – as in, add 50% to the amount of time you estimate something will take. If you think it will take you an hour to get ready for school, plan for an hour and a half. Also, plan for some do-nothing days – we call them pajama days in our house, where we stay home, putter around in our jammies, and let ourselves just BE.

5. Don’t be afraid to say no to “good” activities and opportunities.

The more spread thin your teen is, the more teen stress there’s likely to be.

6. Be clear on what your family’s priorities are.

This is where modeling the priorities you value comes into play. In our house, we value people (especially each other), good self-care, and fulfilling our responsibilities. When we see our teens struggling to make decisions, we help them evaluate by focusing on – and sometimes enforcing – this hierarchy.

7. Don’t tell your teen to just “do your best” – this is NOT helpful.

As my friend Tami shared on a previous episode, “Who does their best ALL the time?” (She’s a licensed professional counselor btw.)

8. Guide them in the skill of prioritizing.

We are working to teach our teens to ask evaluating questions, like:

• What homework assignment can you give a B- effort on?
• What activity can I let go of this week?
• Which test should I give the most study time to?
• What action step will have the most impact on my grade?
• When is it time to let this go and say “I’ve done enough here”?

9. Don’t have unrealistic expectations when it comes to chores and other household stuff.

10. Figure out together what is reasonable, and model clearly communicating expectations.

Let them know you can be flexible as long as they tell you what’s going on (I have a friend who needs me, I have an unexpected quiz, I forgot about the test that’s coming up). The great life lesson we’ve encountered here is that sometimes it’s my husband and I who are asking them to be flexible – no, I can’t take you to grab your favorite drink to put in your lunch tonight, but I can this weekend, etc.)

11. Don’t focus on class rank, GPA, or any of the other stats.

This can communicate that you only care about the results, perpetuate a sense of competition, and increase anxiety.

12. Focus on what their learning, the journey they’re on, the long-term impact of the skills and information they’re internalizing.

Ask questions like:

• What’s one interesting thing you discovered this week?
• Will this be helpful for you in 5 years? 10 years? 20?
• What did you lean from working on that project? (time management, new skills, new area of interest?)

13. Don’t jump in to solve their problems.

Although this may seem counter-intuitive, especially when your teen is anxious. Solving things for them won’t help them in the long run.

14. Support them and be a coach as they work through challenges.

The goal is to help your teen develop resiliency and the ability to advocate for themselves. With academic challenges, ask questions like:

• Have you emailed/talked to your teacher?
• Would you like me to look over the email once you’ve written it?
• Do you want to practice/role play what you want to say?
• Would you like me to go with you when you meet with your teacher? (Just make it clear that you’re not there to do the talking, your there to support them and keep things on track.)
• How can I best support you right now?
• Help them walk through best- and worst-case scenarios, all the way to the end conclusion.
• Once the crisis is over, help them process: what did they learn from the experience? Did they learn more from walking through a challenge rather than it being “easy”?

15. Don’t assume your teen is asking for help or solutions when they share their challenges with you – sometimes, they just need to vent.

16. Ask: do you want help or do you just want me to listen to you? Then honor their request.

17. Don’t freak out when your teen (or you!) messes up. It’s going to happen.

18. Empathize, encourage often, and have lots of grace.

Make sure they know that you are proud of them because they are YOURS, not because of what they have or haven’t done.

Helping your teen navigate school and the academic stress that comes along with it can be tricky, but those are some of the things we’ve found helpful.

Bonus

Actually, I’m going to share a couple more things with you.

19. Sharing stories is a DO for us.

We try to help our teens understand that getting into (or not getting into) their school of choice is not a do-or-die situation. My husband and I have both shared stories about our failures in school and in job situations and pointed out that it is very rare for anyone to stay within the same profession as they majored in during college.

20. Open their eyes to the possibilities.

Opening their eyes to all the possibilities out there – and the probability that they will try lots of different things throughout their lives – is something we try to emphasize. That, and the fact that we hold the belief that there is a plan and a purpose for each of their lives – everyone’s life, really.

So, there you have it. Twenty Do’s and Don’ts for this school year with your teen.

I’d love to hear how you help your kids deal with teen stress! Head over to FB or Instagram to share with me.