Show Notes

SCHOOL SHOOTINGS IN THE BEGINNING

I was an 8th-grade Civics teacher in the late 90s and early 2000’s and I still remember the day the Columbine school shootings happened. That evening on a walk with my husband, we processed what had happened. As a teacher, the idea of students bringing guns into school and going on a killing spree was shocking, heartbreaking, and alarming. It was one of my first experiences with secondary trauma at a national level.

Secondary trauma is experienced indirectly through hearing details or witnessing the aftermath of a trauma experienced by another person. Second-hand trauma can occur if you are repeatedly exposed to particularly distressing details of the trauma experienced by others. Secondary traumatic stress (STS) disorder refers to experiencing a trauma response even though you didn’t experience the trauma directly yourself. STS can occur after only one exposure to the details of another’s trauma or after repeated exposures.

Shirley Porter, RP, RSW, CCC

Now, over twenty years later, there have been too many school shootings to remember without googling it.

And as a parent, when school shootings happen, I’ve added words like terrifying, infuriating, and intensely personal to heartbreaking and alarming.

You’ll notice that I left out “shocked” from that lineup. Sadly, these shootings have happened so frequently that the shock factor has diminished for me.  

Until this week.

THE SCHOOL SHOOTING AT OXFORD HIGH SCHOOL

The school shootings at Oxford High School have hit me hard.

First, with a teen still in high school, shootings always increase my anxiety about sending her off every morning.

Second, this could have been prevented. The fact that the school met with the 15yo shooter the day before AND met with him and his parents the day of the shootings is disturbing on so many levels.

I’m not here to make a political statement, or cast blame, or give an opinion on how things need to change, or prescribe my 20/20 hindsight version of how the school or parents should have handled things.

What I am here to do is to try to encourage you to talk to your teens about how they are feeling about it and give you some tools and resources to do it.

TALKING WITH TEENS ABOUT SCHOOL SHOOTINGS

From talking to my own kids about shootings in the past, a couple of things have stood out.

One, school shootings are part of their landscape – they haven’t known anything different. They’ve practiced school shooter drills since elementary school. School shootings have been around since before they were born.

Two, they’re weary of the victims being blamed – the schoolmates of the shooters should have been kinder, should have been more aware, should have befriended, should have, should have, should have.

Yes. Bulling is awful, we want to teach our kids to be compassionate and kind, we want them to be aware and notice the ignored, ostracized kids and reach out to them. Stand up for them.

But that does not mean that it is their fault when that victim of bullying brings a gun to school.

Unfortunately, kids are bullied. There are heroic efforts being made to change that, but things fall through the cracks.

That’s not an excuse, and it’s not me accepting that ‘it’s just the way it is,’ because that’s not true either.

It is me saying that mental health has so much more to do with this than anything fellow classmates do or don’t do.

Three, our kids know that it’s about mental health. They are so aware of what is healthy and what is not and they’re not afraid to ask for help. The stigma of getting help for mental illness is not part of their paradigm.

Four, they are angry. They don’t understand how or why the adults around them cannot keep them safe. And that includes we parents.

HARD CONVERSATIONS

This is what makes it hard to have conversations around this topic – because as their parents, it’s easy to feel guilty, or hopeless about the fact that can’t always keep them safe. This is something we can’t solve or fix for them.

Developmentally, our teens are in a place where they’re figuring out that we don’t have all the answers; violent school shootings are just another reminder that we’re not the super-heroes they thought we were. And that can feel like a betrayal, even without the violent reminders.

So, how can we show up for them in this? By doing the one thing we do have control over – communicating with them about it.

5 KEYS TO COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOLERS ABOUT SCHOOL SHOOTINGS

If you’re not sure how to have the conversation with your middle schoolers about school shootings, here are some rules of thumb.

Don’t force them to talk about it.

Ask them if they ever worry about school shootings. If they tell you they do, follow up by asking, ‘What does that look like for you?” If they respond with “no”, you can leave it. Or, you can share your own thoughts and feelings about how the shootings have affected you.

I encourage you to avoid the political side of things – anything to do with gun control, school policy, how the shooter’s parents should have done things differently, etc. That’s not what this is about. It is about processing the feelings it brings up in you. Words like heartbroken, grieving, sad, angry, helpless, and fearful come to mind. When we put words to our own feelings, it’s modeling for our teens how to do it – it might even help them articulate their own.

Know your teen.

Does your teen tend to be empathetic? strategic? practical? anxious? Maybe they see things in black and white? Their responses are going to reflect that.

A strategic teen might feel like there’s something wrong with themselves if they can envision how a shooter would plan an attack and then create a survival plan based on that imagining.

An empath might worry about the kids they know who demonstrate loner tendencies, then feel guilty for thinking those students are capable of something that destructive.

A practical teen might respond with an “it is what it is” attitude.

An anxious teen might struggle with hypervigilance and fear.

A teen who sees things in black and white might be furious that the adults in charge did not prevent the attack.

Let them feel their feels without any judgment.

Remember, our middle schoolers are smack in the middle of their development, and their reactions are going to be varied – and they might not be what you expect.

Teens may demonstrate everything from anxiety to apathy to anger; accepting where they are is an important part of creating a safe space for them to communicate and share with you. Validate what they’re feeling. Talk to them about any guilt they feel and help them make the connection between their tendencies and their responses.

Empower them.

Let them know that they are not responsible for anyone else’s actions. Encourage them to talk to you if they have any concerns about friends or classmates.

Remind them that the strategies they’ve been practicing since elementary school can be effective during a school shooting – case in point, there are news stories about students at Oxford High School who barricaded their classroom doors and found places to hide who survived the attack.

Help them find ways to make a difference where they are, by volunteering or supporting an organization that aligns with their beliefs around this issue.

Help them moderate their media intake.

It’s one thing to be informed, another to be immersed. Help them recognize that they can filter and limit their exposure to traumatic news reports. You might even share and model your own plan to reduce your media exposure.

If your middle schooler is experiencing distress about school shootings beyond your capability to help them, please seek a professional counselor. Secondary trauma is real, and if severe, requires treatment.

SCHOOL SHOOTINGS AREN’T GOING AWAY – NEITHER ARE WE

Unfortunately, I don’t think school shootings are going away. What our teens need to know is that neither are we.

We want our kids to stand on the rock-solid knowledge that they can talk to us about anything. To do that, we have to build bridges using what’s in front of us. That’s one of the reasons I’m so excited about the free masterclass I’m offering in the new year. I’m can’t wait to talk to you guys about some specific strategies for building those bridges.

STORIES TO HELP YOU START THE CONVERSATION ABOUT SCHOOL SHOOTINGS

In the meantime, if you want to start the conversation with your teen about school shootings using story, you can check out This is Where it Ends by Marieke Nijkamp, The Lucky Ones Kindle Edition by Liz Lawson, and Glimmer of Hope: How Tragedy Sparked a Movement by The March for Our Lives Founders (non-fiction, based on the experiences of some of the Parkland school shooting survivors). You can also download my free resource, Questions for Any Book, to guide your discussion.

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