Show Notes

BREAKING THE CYCLE

I’m sharing this as part of my “Best of “ Series. How to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Parent-Teen Relationship was the most popular episode I aired during my first season of podcasting. And it’s no wonder! Who of us hasn’t felt trapped in a cycle of negativity and tension with our teens? This was a great reminder for me, too – when it comes to my teens, it’s up to me to set the tone and energy. Enjoy!

HOW OUR CULTURE EGGS ON THE NEGATIVE CYCLE

Recently, a conversation with my daughter made me realize that our interactions have fallen into a very negative cycle. My parenting mojo was not where I wanted it to be. It gave me pause and prompted some reflection about the way we talk about teens in our culture, and about parenting them. Of course, I headed to Google. And while I related to some of what came up, a lot of it made me really sad. Here are some of the quotes that I found:

Dear Parents of Teens: This Is HARD

Welcome to being a parent of a teenager. Prepare for a large amount of eye-rolling, emotional outbursts, and thoughts of running away. And that’s just the parents.

Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree.

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

The dog whisperer is very impressive, but I need the number for the smart-aleck-teenage- whisperer

TEENAGERS! Tired of being harassed by your parents? ACT NOW! Move out, get a job, and pay your own way. QUICK! While you still know everything!

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

Dear Teen, it’s not fun being your parent either. I secretly curse at you behind your back, too. Sincerely, Mom

Now, there’s a huge space on the spectrum between “This is hard” and “I secretly curse you behind your back,” amiright? But what struck me as the commonality in all of them was the negativity and the adversarial nature.

DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?

In episode 8, I talked about not getting into stupid arguments with your teens. If you haven’t listened to it, you can link to it in my show notes. That is not what I’m talking about here. It can definitely be a symptom of it, but what I’m trying to capture is the environment that nurtures arguments and goes beyond them to an underlying feeling of negativity, discontent, and irritability that is pervasive in your relationship.

Does it have to be this way?

There’s not a definite yes/no answer here – it would be so easy if there was! As in, plug this into your teen, or heck, yourself, and out comes a happy, non-confrontational, picture-perfect relationship.

I think a better answer is “Not all the time.”

A MESSY CYCLE

People are messy. I’m messy. So are my teens. There are going to be seasons when our schedules and responsibilities are taxing. And if you’re like me and my family, sometimes we get trapped on a merry-go-round of arguing, sniping, and assuming the worst of each other. We’re going so fast, it’s hard to even recognize that it’s happened. It takes focusing on something outside the whirl of our everyday lives to see the pattern.

For me, it’s meant focusing on my values, beliefs, and priorities for my parenting, and seeing where I need to make adjustments.

8 STRATEGIES TO SNAP OUT OF A NEGATIVE CYCLE WITH YOUR TEENS

When you find yourself in a similar negative cycle with your teens, here are some things that helped me snap out of it and get back on track. Hopefully, they’ll resonate with you too.

Slow down

Be present in the moment. Find ways to slash things in your schedule that reflect your teen as a priority. It might look like canceling some plans with friends, giving up reading time, or making the effort to have meals at home rather than out.

Be Intentional

Get deliberate in your interactions with your teens. Take deep breaths! Plan one-on-one time with them, so you can really focus your attention on what they’re saying (or not saying), so that you’re really connecting.

Treat them as if they’re already acting the way you want them to

This can be hard because they will probably test you on it – but if you can maintain your cool and be persistent, chances are they’ll live up to the way you’re treating them. This is something I learned as a teacher – so often, you get what you expect from kids.

Find something to compliment them on

It needs to be something they have control over– attitude and effort rather than physical appearance

Choose compassion over a lecture

Even if (especially if!) what they’re going through is the result of their own mess-up or mistake. Find ways to send the message that you’re on their side, no matter what

Be quick to apologize

Saying sorry is particularly important when you mess up or fall into old patterns. Don’t expect an apology back – you’re in this for the long game. You’d be surprised at what an impact your apology can make. I still remember my Mom sending apology notes via the school secretary when I was in high school, usually after we’d had a horrible morning together. (Shout out to Mrs. Barnett!)

Focus on the bigger picture – while living in the moment

What is your bigger picture? This too shall pass; just because this is who your teen is right this second doesn’t mean it’s who they’ll always be. What does living in the moment look like for you? Being engaged, authentic, and connected with your teen.

Have GRACE!

With your teen, but also with yourself. Above all, remember that it’s all about connection, not about getting it right every single time. We all have seasons when we can’t remember the last positive interaction we had with our fifteen-year-old. Refocus and keep moving.

AFTER A BAD CYCLE

It’s okay if you find yourself on the negative carousel again because it’s not about never making mistakes or messing up. It’s about what you do afterward.

As for the quotes I found? I came across a few positive ones as well. Here’s one I really liked:

“Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation.”

EPISODES REFERENCED