Show Notes

TEENS AND MENTAL HEALTH

Teens and mental health – it’s a big deal. It’s rampant and growing and It is the issue of our children’s generation. I am hard-pressed to think of a single family we are close to who has not had at least a brush with these concerns. Even yours truly.

(Which is something I shared about in this week’s email – if you haven’t signed up to receive the exclusive things I only share with my beloved subscribers, I encourage you to join my list here.)

Over the past few weeks, there has been so much tragedy in the news, in terms of depression and anxiety and the extreme end of that spectrum, suicide. As I watched the stories of celebrities unfold, I was also hearing the ones of local teens who also chose that way to escape their pain. I talked with other parents about the stress, sadness, and despair their teens were feeling.

WHEN WE COLLIDED BY EMERY LORD

Because the subject of teens and mental health is near and dear to me, I thought it would be helpful to focus on some books and other media that deal with these important mental health issues our teens face.

Today, I’m doing that by sharing a book with you. When We Collided, by Emery Lord,  has been out for a couple of years. It is so well-written and handles big issues so well, I think it is still timely.

When We Collided is the story of Vivi and Jonah, two teens whose paths cross in the small coastal town of Verona Cove. Told in their alternating viewpoints, this story appears to be a summer romance on the surface, but it is far, far more than that.

This is the story of how Vivi and Jonah each struggle with mental illnesses – Vivi with her own bipolar disorder, and Jonah with his Mom’s clinical depression following his father’s sudden death.

MY TAKE ON THE STORY

As a writer, I was awed at how Emery Lord brought Vivi alive from the very beginning. Vivi burst from the pages in a swirl of charm, energy, passion, and adorable quirkiness. It isn’t until you get to know her a little better that the cracks begin to show, and you realize something is very wrong. Her story in this book opened a window into the reality of bipolar disorder, and immerses you, intimately, into her thoughts and imagination and compulsivity.

Jonah, too, is quite compelling, with his quiet strength and determination to keep his family together, all while dealing with the grief of losing his father and the growing anger he feels toward his mom. She’s basically checked out, lost in her own debilitating depression, leaving her children to fend for themselves. Which has left Jonah, the 3^rd in the lineup of the six brothers and sisters, in the position of parenting the three youngest children, along with his older sister and brother. In many ways, it is reminiscent of Jennifer Niven’s All the Bright Places, in the way it introduces you to these lovable characters, who sometimes leave a swath of destruction in their wake.

To say that this book was a roller coaster is an understatement. I laughed, I cried, I felt awe over Vivi’s creativity and Jonah’s tenderness toward his siblings. I went along for the ride as Vivi spun out of control and felt helpless alongside Jonah as he watched her unravel.

WHEN WE COLLIDED – THE ISSUES

The book dealt with this heavy-hitting subject matter with the depth, authenticity, and gravity they merit.

Grief/Loss

Jonah’s father has been dead for 6 months and Jonah is slowly dealing with his grief as he cares for his younger siblings and works in his father’s restaurant. He feels closest to his father when he’s cooking and wants to be a chef eventually. But everyone’s future plans are up in the air because his mom is in a full-fledged clinical depression and refuses to get help. Which leads us to:

Depression

“My mom mostly stays in her bedroom now. Sometimes I wonder if she’s whispering to her heart: Beat. Beat. Beat. To her lungs: In, out. In, out. In, out. Like it takes all her time and energy to exist.”

Vivi shares with Jonah “I’ve prowled the dirtiest black alleys of sadness, okay? And I know what it’s like to fight for your life on those mean streets. . . . I’m not scared of the dark places.” She has experienced depression herself and describes it like this: “it settles like a shadow over your body while you sleep, and mutes every frequency into blankness, into fog.”

Bipolar Disorder

We know that Vivi is being treated for something because she throws her pills into the ocean each day, and “thanks the constellations that [she] can feel things.”

Vivi becomes increasingly frenetic and outrageous as she descends into a manic state, her thoughts choppy and irrational and somewhat obsessive-compulsive. She’s making unwise choices and starting to chafe against the concern of the people who love her.

We discover that she has struggled with these episodes before, gotten her illness under control with meds, but hates the way she can’t feel things while she is on them

Sexual Activity

Vivi and Jonah do have sex in the book, and while it’s not graphic, it is described – but the description is purposeful. Emery Lord is showing us how Vivi’s bipolar disorder is manifesting in a very common way – taking risks and trying to find things that help her feel something.

Jonah is a lonely, isolated, seventeen year old boy dealing with tremendous loss. Vivi fills a need for intimacy in the beginning, but he begins to recognize that it isn’t about their closeness as much as it is about her

Suicide

“I don’t appreciate how often people hide their scars and doubts. Really, it’s not fair to people who are struggling, to go on believing that everyone else just has it totally together and never has one bad thought in their lives.” Vivi has scars on her arms from a previous attempt at suicide. She keeps them covered with long sleeves, and tries not to think about them and everything that happened leading up to her attempt.

Friendship

Part of Vivi’s descent while she’s in Verona Cove is tied to the friends she left behind where she used to live. During her last manic episode (that resulted in her suicide attempt) she betrayed her two best friends – something she feels increasingly guilty about. It’s painful for her to think about the hurt she caused them. And in a type of vicious circle, that pain fuels another episode.

Parental Neglect

Jonah’s mom has stayed in her room the past 6 months, since his dad died. She isn’t functioning in any way, and refuses to get help. All the kids are doing their best to hide her neglect, but the responsibilities are starting to wear them thin. They’re starting to worry about the fall, when both his older siblings need to go away for college (his sister had already been there, his brother just graduated from high school.)

Vivi is obsessed with knowing her biological father’s identity – something her mom refuses to tell her. Part of Vivi’s spiral is figuring out who he is and going to visit him, only to realize that he’s “a regular, responsible old man!” rather than the romantic “wild musician with a drifter’s heart” that she’s imagined. Worse, he has a family of his own, and is angry that she has shown up at his home, especially since he’s sent child support every month.

Teen/Parent Relationships

Jonah has compassion for his mom’s depression and doesn’t want to rush her grieving process, but he’s starting to feel angry that she’s opting out of life. He tries to interact with her, but feels helpless in how to get her to engage with the family again. Once she does start coming out of it, he’s angry when she starts taking over and parenting him again – he’s resentful, because he’s had adult responsibilities for so long that it’s insulting to him to be treated like a teen again.

Vivi’s mom is working hard to stay connected with her, and to make sure she is healthy – taking her meds, hanging out with “functional people,” as Vivi says, and watching for any signs that she’s slipping into a manic or depressive episode

Sibling Relationships

He and his older brother, Silas, and older sister, Naomi, have made tremendous sacrifices to take care of the three younger ones. Working out schedules and responsibilities is hard, as is parenting and disciplining their younger siblings – especially the preteen Bekah. He finally get to a breaking point when two of them are fighting and accidentally break their parents’ wedding picture. “You’re making this so much harder than it already is. Do you understand that I’m seventeen? I’m not a grown-up! You’ve GOT to stop being such [jerks]. Just STOP. You are not the only people in this family, and the rest of us think about each other constantly. You only think about yourselves.”

THE WRAP-UP

In the end, we are with Vivi as she short circuits, agitated by a scavenger hunt that the universe has revealed to her, believing if she can just follow the numbers, she’ll find the secret to time travel. Eventually her frenetic search ends with her Vespa slamming into a tree.

The incident is a catalyst for Jonah’s mom to rejoin the world and get the help she needs. For Vivi, she is lucky to have survived her injuries, and starts the process of getting her illness under control. There is a scene where she talks to a therapist that is a turning point in accepting her bipolar disorder and feeling like she has a say in her treatment and the meds she takes.

What I loved about the Book

Pretty much everything – Emery Lord gave both Jonah’s and Vivi’s voices such authentic voices, and really captures the struggles they’re each facing. As I prepped for this episode, I kept finding quotes that I wanted to share, both profound interactions between characters and internal dialog too.

“I’m not sure if the scar itself is ugly – I’ve never thought about it – but it represents something scary and bottomless.”

“To the deepest, most cellular level of my being, I resent people who believe that depression is the same as weakness, that ‘sad’ people must be coddled like helpless toddlers.”

“My dark days made me strong. Or maybe I was already strong, and they made me prove it.”

“…he doesn’t understand what it feels like to waste away in a castle dungeon where you have been chained to crumbling walls. And, when the dragons close in, you only think: Good. Let this be over.”

“Some days I wish I could fall asleep and wake up in two or three years.”

“Obviously I’m tired of being a stand-in parent. But I also miss having a parent. Sometimes I want to be the kid…”

 I could keep going with more quotes that truly highlight the heart of teens and mental health, but I want you to read the book!

BOLDLY CALLING THINGS OUT

The whole flavor of the book was naming mental illness for what it is, not tiptoeing around it, but meeting it head-on, calling it out, holding it up and diving into it’s truth.

And I loved the information it relayed in a way that was a natural and logical outflow of the story – how Jonah’s mom’s decisions were affected by her grief group, once she started going. How Vivi’s doctor explained some of her medical choices, and her mom reassured her that this wouldn’t ruin her life, but it would ruin a few days, might make a few weeks harder in a great, big life.

Starting the Conversation About Teens and Mental Health

When We Collided is a layered, beautiful walk through mental illness. I finished it with a newfound understanding of what it feels like to experience bipolar disorder, and what it’s like to be a loved one of someone who is suffering from clinical depression. I cannot recommend it highly enough. It is an excellent vehicle to discuss these issues with your teen, as well as tackling family dynamics, sexuality, and grief. If you’re not sure how to start the conversation, be sure to download my “Questions for Any Book” freebie.