Show Notes

CHOICES, CHOICES

As the grownups on the front lines, our job as parents and teachers is to usher our middle schoolers into independence. And that is no small task, learning to balance choices, freedoms, and responsibilities and dole them out at the appropriate times.

We can help our teens grow and strengthen their “independence muscle” and help them grow into adults who can:

• Practice good time management, including things like studying, socializing, and self-care
• Utilize necessary life skills like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and money management
• Be resourceful and know how to problem-solve
• Regulate their emotions
• Live out their values, beliefs, and priorities

I know we could add to that list all day long, but Ph.D. Carl Pickhardt did a great job summing up independence into 4 key areas. According to him, independent people are:

Responsibile

They show up and follow through on commitments

Accountable

They resolutely face consequences when they’ve messed up or made a mistake, and reconcile and make restitution when appropriate

Industrious

They can identify their wants and needs and work diligently for them

Resourceful

They problem-solve and implement solutions.

The issue is that the middle school years are messy, and the lines are blurry. Some days we want to let our kids get behind the wheel, and other days we don’t even want to consider it.

Add to that our teen’s own frustrations – this critical age is filled with “rules” and “to-do’s” for them while at the same time they’re getting messages that they need to be more self-sufficient and build more independence. To be more responsible, accountable, industrious, and resourceful.

THE FEAR IS REAL

The big question is, how do we move past the messiness and help them start moving in the direction of growth?

I’ve found that on the road to independence, one of the best vehicles is CHOICE.

Now, when we hear that word as parents and teachers, it might give us a jolt of anxiety or overwhelm. Giving your middle schoolers choices might

• Make us feel like we’re giving up control
• Strike fear in our hearts – because they’re not doing well with the responsibilities and freedoms they have right now
• Baffle us – how do we know when they’re ready to get on the road?

ARE OUR MIDDLE SCHOOLERS READY FOR MORE INDEPENDENCE?

It might be helpful to know that some of the things you’re experiencing right now with your middle schoolers might be pointing to the need for more independence.

• Do you find yourself frequently at odds with your teens?
• Are they complaining that they are always being told what to do?
• Are they disengaged or unmotivated?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above, it’s probably time to help your middle schooler move to the next level of independence.

WHY CHOICES?

Choice fosters independence and meaningful conversations between us and our teens.

At school

It allows teachers to tap into learning styles and student interests.

It’s a quick way to spark engagement and personal ownership.

At home

It allows teens to see their place/ownership in the family and their responsibilities.

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

Teens become active partners with the adults in their lives

Adults don’t give up control, rather they scaffold independence for teens by gradually shifting control & independence onto the teen

Scaffolding: breaking up learning into chunks and providing a tool, or structure, with each chunk.

THE BENEFITS OF CHOICES THAT LEAD TO INDEPENDENCE

If you’re like me, it’s helpful to look at the long-term benefits of things that are challenging or frustrating at the moment. There are SO MANY benefits to helping our middle schoolers develop their independence muscle through choices. Choices:

1. Empower them
2. Give them ownership
3. Grow self-management skills
4. Increase self-efficacy
5. Cultivate self-agency
   

   Self-Efficacy – refers to an individual’s belief in his or her capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments (Bandura, 1977, 1986, 1997). It reflects confidence in the ability to exert control over one’s own motivation, behavior, and social environment. Personal Agency – is the actual ability to act in a given situation (ex: achieve personal goals) –  if you want to know more, I’ve shared a couple of great articles on personal agency in my show notes.

6. Inherently communicate respect. You respect that your teens have preferred ways of working and being to produce the best results.
7. Enable adults who have shifted into this facilitator/observer role to support teens in a more individualized way in their developmental process.
8. Increase positive and supportive communication and strengthen the bond between middle schoolers and their adult mentor(s).
9. Create some pretty great natural by-products too: In school, positive classroom learning environment, and high student engagement/motivation. At home, a sense of belonging and contributing. Overall, a positive self-image as their personal agency grows.
10. Lead to more investment in middle schoolers’ own learning, which in turn leads to greater accomplishments and stronger commitments to lifelong learning.

THE BOTTOM LINE FOR CHOICES

The bottom line when it comes to choices is communication with our middle schoolers. We must start conversations about where they’re feeling out of control or stifled by too many rules. Talking through those areas can help us start small. Bit by bit, we can build on choices as they show that they can maintain the choices they made.

There’s no shame or fear in stepping in if they’ve tried to do too much too soon. We can adjust to a level of independence they can manage. This is a journey, and everyone has to course-correct as they travel.

Choice doesn’t have to be hard. While it can be easier to lean toward one extreme (nagging) or the other (enabling) we don’t have to be EITHER. Neither we nor our middle schoolers benefit from that. 

Keep the rule of thumb in mind that if they CAN do it, they should be doing it. And

trust in the process! Remember – we’re playing the long game! This will build their independence and self-confidence – eventually.

And don’t forget, the key to building independence in our teens is meaningful conversation. Taking small steps in the right direction.

It all adds up!

HOW TO GET STARTED WITH CHOICES FOR YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOLERS

If you need some ideas about how to get started with offering your middle schoolers choice, I’d love for you to join me for my next episode, where I’ll be talking about practical ideas for choice at school and at home. We’ll also dive deeper into the idea of scaffolding this whole independence experience for our kids.

ARTICLES

EPISODES REFERENCED