Show Notes

QUESTIONS FOR SELF-MANAGEMENT

In the last episode, I talked about our middle schoolers’ journey to independence, and three keys to help them get there. Today, I want to do a deeper dive into one of those three things – the question of managing ourselves.

Because here’s the unvarnished truth: until we figure out our own selves, we’re not going to be very effective in helping our kids move toward the adults we’re raising them to be.

I don’t know what that looks like for you, but if you’re anything like me, you want your middle schoolers to be adults who:

• Practice good time management, including things like studying, socializing, and self-care
• Utilize necessary life skills like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and money management
• Are resourceful and know how to problem-solve
• Regulate their emotions
• Live out their values, beliefs, and priorities

QUESTIONABLE BELIEFS

When we think about our kids’ growth as they become more and more independent, it can be tempting to imagine that the journey from point A (a middle schooler) to point be (an independent fully functioning adult) is a nice, straightforward, linear process.

BUT. The first thing I’m going to encourage you to do is to throw away that idea. Because the path to adulthood? It’s more like the scribbles our kids used to draw in preschool – circling back on itself over and over, a big, tangled process.

QUESTIONING OURSELVES

When it comes to our part in this process, there are many things that can feel frustrating. We may not even realize that our thoughts and actions might be hindering our middle schooler’s progress toward independence. See if you recognize yourself in any of these.

• It is hard to know exactly how to let your teen grow up – how do I strike a balance between both responsibilities and freedoms.
• It’s just easier to do the thing myself (whatever the thing is), rather than holding my teen accountable – less messy, less combative, less confrontational, less exhausting.
• I feel mean when I make my teens do things for themselves. It feels “nicer” to just take care of things for them.
• I’m so isolated, it’s easy to start believing my teens’ complaints and I get worn down. When they tell me “you’re not being fair, no one else’s mom makes them do that, I’m the only one who doesn’t get to, you’re the worst parent ever, etc. etc.” I sometimes start to question myself.

If any of those resonate with you, please know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

In the same way everyone goes through the exhaustion of those first few months with a new baby at home, parents (and teachers!) of teens go through mental and emotional exhaustion that is just as real.

However, there is hope – not just a light at the end of the tunnel, but practical, concrete things that you can use RIGHT NOW.

QUESTIONS FOR GROWTH

The secret? Arming yourself with questions that help you consciously manage your behaviors, thoughts, and emotions.

When you can frequently stop and ask yourself reflective questions, it will transform how you show up for your middle schoolers on their road to independence.

Stopping to ask yourself questions – especially in escalated moments – can change everything in your relationship with your middle schoolers. And – it takes practice. LOTS of practice. And this is another place where I’m going to beat the drum of having grace – with your teen AND with yourself. Because, plot twist, in the same way our teens’ growth toward independence is messy and non-linear, so is our growth toward being intentional in our relationships with our middle schoolers.

If you are ready to get super-intentional and would like a little structure and encouragement to help you, I’d love to share a list of questions with you. To order my resource, The Road to Independence: Self-Management click here.

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EPISODES REFERENCED