Show Notes

READY FOR THE TRANSITION

After getting our son settled in for his second year of college and launching our daughter into her senior year of high school, I’ve been reflecting on all the different stages of our parenting. I was reminded of something my husband heard on a weekend retreat with one of our kids. A speaker there said that parenting fell into four categories

The 4 Stages of Parenting

The Caretaker

Those years from birth to preschool when you’re just trying to keep your child alive . 

The Cop 

These are the elementary school years when you’re teaching your kids all. The. Things. Rules, manners, acceptable behaviors. And you’re patrolling to make sure they’re complying. 

The Coach 

This is when we stand on the sidelines, directing our kids as they start making decisions (or plays) on their own. We can always pull them off the field or court, there might be some times we bench them, and we certainly celebrate their wins and victories. 

The Consultant

This is the final stage, the one that lasts the longest in terms of the amount of time we’re parents. It’s the part where we only speak into our child’s life when we are invited.

The thing is, the transition between these stages are hairy. They’re messy and imperfect and frustrating, and lots of mistakes are made by ALL parties. 

And right now, that’s where my husband and I are – right smack in the middle of the transition from our roles as the coaches to the new ones as consultants.

Aye yi yi.

The last time we made a transition like this, our kids were moving from elementary to middle school. That wasn’t easy, either. In fact, it was very similar to what we’re facing now.

READY FOR MIDDLE SCHOOL TRANSITION

Which is why I wanted to talk about it for this last episode of the Ready for Middle School series.

Because the fact is, sometimes our kids are VERY ready for middle school – we’re the ones who are not.

So, moms and dads, this one’s for you.

TRANSITION LESSONS WE’VE LEARNED 

Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

That means that there might be some disagreements, arguments, and conflicts. Oftentimes, this is coming from your child, who is feeling growing pains. The same expectations, responsibilities, and privileges from the previous season just don’t fit anymore, and they don’t always know how to communicate that. Other than pushing back at you with what seems like unnecessary roughness.

Spoiler alert – that is perfectly normal and developmentally appropriate.

On the other hand, it might be you who explodes at your child, especially in those moments when you absolutely do not recognize who they are and where their choices are coming from.

Again, this is normal. As the grown-up, your job is to model what it looks like to apologize, forgive, and reconcile. 

With increased privileges come increased responsibilities – and vice versa.

We have tendencies as parents to give one without the other – some of us want to trust our kids with more chores, more autonomy with their school work, etc. but we don’t give them the freedoms that come along with that trust. Like hanging out with friends whose parents you don’t know or being dropped off to hang out with a group at the mall.

For others, the opposite is true. They give all the perks without the responsibilities that balance out the freedom.

Neither one of these is healthy, and plot twist, they’re not going to be the same for every child. Remember when I said it gets messy? Yeah, this is one of those places.

You’ll have to figure out how much trust and how much freedom your child can handle, and then adjust as necessary.

One thing that we’ve found super helpful is making sure our kids understand that every choice is an opportunity to build or break trust. They start with our full trust, and what happens next is up to them.

That empowers them by letting them know they’re in the driver’s seat when it comes to the freedoms – and responsibilities – they’re able to enjoy. 

It’s a beautiful thing to let your kids AND YOURSELVES mess up.

I know I talked about this a lot in episode 130, but I think it bears repeating. When you mess up (and you will) you are modeling what it looks like to stand up and try again, with all that entails. Like apologies, reparations, and consequences.

When they mess up (and they will) it’s your opportunity to model grace and forgiveness and reconciliation, and to help them walk through (not avoid) the consequences of their actions.

This is so very very important. Without these skills, we end up being perfectionists averse to risk-taking who stop communicating because we don’t want to disappoint each other. Shame gets into the mix, and it’s an even bigger mess than we started with.

Embracing the mess-ups means you normalize it, you make it matter-of-fact, and you take responsibility. As in, rather than wringing your hands, crying, yelling, etc. when your middle schooler brings home a test they’ve failed that you have to sign and return, you ask good questions, listen carefully, and invite them to work with you to come up with a plan for next time. It means you let them sit out the extracurricular event they can’t participate in because of pass or play rules. It means you’re in it with them without rescuing them.

And that is HARD.

TRANSITION IS HARD

That’s the word that sums this all up for me – HARD. Every day is one step closer to letting my kids handle themselves independently. Sometimes I’ve had to push them into it, sometimes they’ve had to push me out of it. It’s a dance that’s messy and chaotic and hard and joyful all at once. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Want Help with Your Transition?

If you’d like help figuring out how to walk through this transition from being a cop to being a coach, I’d love for you to check out my latest resource, Beyond Surviving to Thriving – A Middle School Guide for Parents and Kids. It will walk you through all the things you need to make a successful move from elementary to middle school.