Show Notes

THE MANY FACES OF ANGER

But before we dig into anger, I’m going to ask YOU a question.

Can you relate to any of these feelings? 

• Finding yourself being short with your teens
• Yelling (at your students/kids)
• Withdrawing from them
• Using sarcasm when you are annoyed with behavior (in a way that is shaming)

DEFINITIONS

Anger can take on many different forms and it can affect your relationships with your middle schoolers.

When I say anger what do you think of? 

• Maybe you think of someone yelling or losing their temper.
• Perhaps it’s a loud voice.
• It can take on many different forms.
• Not realizing that can set us back a bit.

 What actually is anger?

• Definition: a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism; rage
• Psychology Definition:
  • It is one of the basic human emotions, as elemental as happiness, sadness, anxiety, or disgust. These emotions are tied to basic survival and were honed over the course of human history.
  • It is related to the “fight, flight, or freeze” response of the sympathetic nervous system; it prepares humans to fight.
  • Psychologist Jerry Deffenbacher, posits that it results from a combination of the trigger event, the qualities of the individual, and the individual’s appraisal of the situation.

ANGER ISN’T BAD 

Anger itself is not “bad” 

• So many people have not learned to manage their anger constructively…that’s where the problem lies (something I talked about in episode 41, about managing when you’ve hit that fight-flight-freeze state)
• Anger is an emotion.
• Often it’s a secondary emotion – meaning that it’s masking something else, like pain or sadness or shame
• It’s what we do with it that matters.

When anger turns inward, it turns into shame, low self esteem, depression. You are still angry but by not expressing it outwardly, it can become self-damaging and lead to self-destructive behavior (overeating, alcohol abuse, etc). 

EXPRESSING OR REPRESSING?

Let’s look at this emotion in the context of teaching and parenting middle schoolers

• If you express your anger outwardly, you may be yelling at your teens when you are frustrated with them
• If you tend to repress your anger, you may find yourself withdrawing from teens when they upset you
• Either way, it’s not only unhealthy for you but having a negative impact on your teens.

Not sure which way is your knee-jerk response? Just ask your teens – they can tell you. 

TIPS FOR MANAGING ANGER

Once again, self-awareness is the first step.

You’ve identified your emotion and now it’s time to find constructive ways to manage it…for your benefit and the benefit of those around you.

Ditch the Shame

Don’t allow shame to keep you from making the changes that will help you and those around you.

Note your Triggers

What triggers you when you’re with your teens? Write those down and be aware when you are in a trigger situation.

Learn & grow

Do research on it; read a self-improvement book; take a class. Knowledge is power.

CHOOSE CHANGE

Be willing to take this journey of self-awareness not only for you but for your teens.